The Fate of the Furious, the 8th entry in the never ending Fast & The Furious film franchise (damn that’s amazing alliteration) had a record breaking weekend. It smashed box office records and grossed a whopping $532.5 million globally.
It’s an amazing feat. It’s even more impressive when you consider that it’s the first movie of the series without Paul Walker. He refused to do this one because they wouldn’t pay him more. Selfish.
I’m not gonna lie and pretend that I’m too cool for school to like movies like this. This movie was dumb as hell but it was also insanely entertaining. If this doesn’t win Best Picture at the 2018 Academy Awards, I might have to choke a bitch.
But the continued success of this series begs the obvious question: “What’s next?” What’s down the pipeline when it comes the Fast and Furious future? Are they gonna make a 9th movie? If so, what will it be like?
Well, luckily, I actually have some connections in Hollywood. I have a good friend who’s helped produce some big movies over the years and he’s got his ear to the ground and he gave me the full scoop. Legally I probably should avoid saying this, but fuck it, I’ll tell you anyway. It turns out that they are already planning ten more. You heard me. TEN. See? There IS a god.
Not only are they planning ten more, they actually completed all the scripts and have the storylines chosen. My friend gave me all the info, and he told me about what each of the next ones will be about. Here’s a little sneak peek on what to expect.
The crew has to save the world by stopping Charlize Theron’s character from nuking every major city in the world in order to start WWIII just so her douchey ex-boyfriend will get drafted.
‘Fast & Furious: Pay More A10tention’
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson decides to go rogue. He builds a time machine to go back in time and warn himself to not do the Hercules reboot. It turns out that he accidentally changes history and makes Flo Rida the president, and the crew has to assassinate President Rida before it’s too late.
‘Fast & Furious: Crank It Up To 11’
The entire internet shuts down when someone tries to google “What race is Vin Diesel” and google can’t find the answer. The crew has to hack into the world’s largest computer and restore the internet so people can go back to not paying for porn.
‘12 Furious Men’
Ludacris’ character has hoes in different area codes. An evil billionaire threatens to kidnap all of Luda’s hoes and he has to save them. But things get even more complicated, because he’s also Pimpin All Over The World.
‘Friday The Fast & Furious 13th’
The gang has a relaxing night in. They watch Netflix and order a pizza.
‘How To Lose A Fast & Furious Guy In 14 Days’
Vin Diesel gives gonorrhea to Michelle Rodriguez and she demands answers.
‘Fast Fifteen: Electric Boogaloo’
The crew digs up Paul Walker’s corpse, puts sunglasses on it, and wheels it around in a wheelchair pretending he’s still alive. Everyone falls for it. Shenanigans ensue.
‘Sixteen Furious Candles’
The crew has to crash some chick’s 16th birthday party because one of the people there has the detonator to a nuclear weapon. It turns out they went to the wrong party and The Rock parties too hard and gets charged with statutory rape.
‘17 Fast 17 Furious’
A large terrorist attack happens and they find out it was an inside job. So they go to Mars to steal the world’s most expensive diamond (yeah, I don’t get it, either – there’s a lot of plot holes in this one).
‘Fast & Furious 18’
No plot. It’s just footage of Vin Diesel counting money for three and a half hours. It goes down in cinematic history as the greatest film of all time..