As many of you know, TFM has a contingency of readers who are… how should I say this… “outside of our target demographic?” That’s probably the best way of putting the fact that a bunch of high schoolers read our shit. And, while the irony of a bunch of high schoolers religiously reading a website called “Total Frat Move” is absolutely not lost on us, there’s really nothing we can do about it. You don’t need to be in a fraternity to have a sense of humor, and, if these mid-teens like our stuff, that just means we have an even broader appeal than we previously thought. Besides, there’s always pledging, which they love reading so much about, to beat them into shape once they actually get to college.
But sometimes, with all these impressionable minds reading TFM, it gets to the point where, to them, it’s either not a joke anymore, or it never was to begin with. That’s what happened with the students at the school of one high school teacher who called into our anonymous, toll-free hotline (800-392-6344). I’ll let him do the explaining.
As you can tell, this former fraternity active and current high school teacher is absolutely fed up with students at his school acting like high school frat stars. His “High School Frat Star Updates” are hilarious, but in a “we’re laughing at them, not with them” kind of way. These kids are all tryhard trash.
Let’s keep track of all the updates.
1. A kid wore a blazer and a bow tie to school every day for a week.
Love the teacher’s move of turning the heat up. Sweat that lil bitch out of his Brooks Brothers. He started off hot, too — “Enjoy wearing a fucking blazer in an 85-degree fucking classroom, you dicknut” is easily one of the top quotes that this magnificent man gave us.
2. The same kid brought his lunch to school in a mini YETI cooler.
That’s just unnecessary, man. Do you really need to keep that ham and cheese sandwich your mom made you, and the accompanying “I love you so much, Sweetums!” note that cold? Teach was right — this kid’s a dicknut.
3. Kids were shotgunning milk cartons.
God fucking damnit. As somebody who hates milk, this one is doubly despicable to me. Why? WHY???
Sadly, it seems like the last update on this voicemail didn’t get saved. Never fear: there’s a dickton more voicemails chock full of updates.
4. The yearbook staff is busy filtering out all the TFMs that were submitted as senior quotes.
You really couldn’t think of a better senior quote? Maybe something like this, or, even better, this? I wish they had let them put the TFMs as their senior quotes so that in 50 years, when their grandchildren ask what the hell their senior quote means, they can say “I used to be a massive tryhard.”
5. One kid tried to use “#ButtStuffClassOf2016” as his senior quote.
Okay, as the originator of #BUTTSTUFF2016, I’m glad this one happened. It definitely shouldn’t have happened, but I like it because it is so incredibly tryhard; almost unbelievably so. 100% something I would have included in my Total High School Frat Moves column.
6. A kid got caught making a paddle in shop class. Allegedly the words “#BUTTSTUFF2016” were engraved in the paddle.
What exactly were you gonna do with that paddle, champ? Probably something like this, you sick, teenage fuck.
I couldn’t agree more — it’s only a matter of time.
That defeated exhale the teacher lets out before telling us about the following moron student says a lot.
7. A kid wrote a paper titled “Hernán Cortés as a Pledge Educator.”
Oh come ON! Your implication that Cortés’ genocide and enslavement of an entire race of indigenous people was nothing more than some light-hearted hazing aside, how the fuck do you know what a pledge educator is like, huh sport? Someone’s been watching too much Exec Board.
That defeated exhale the teacher lets out before telling us about his moron student says a lot.
8. The high school frat stars are shotgunning milk cartons again.
These kids are such fucking turds. WHAT IS THE POINT OF DOING THAT? I mean, I guess technically it is the most frat way to prevent osteoporosis… but still. So fucking dumb.
9. He had to write a kid up for saying “if you don’t learn to eat pussy, you ain’t ever gonna get a girlfriend.”
Okay, this one had to be inspired by this recently-published column. There is no more doubt: we are to blame for these complete toolsheds’ behavior. And we apologize.
You can’t leave us hanging, though, teach. Keep calling in with more “High School Frat Star Updates.” Don’t leave us hanging..
Every week, we answer the best hotline calls on the Inside TFM Podcast. Call in (800-392-6344) and you might be featured (or maybe we’ll write a piece on you like we did for this teacher). Listen to this week’s episode here: