A TFM News Mildly Investigative Report: The 7-Foot Tall KFC Bucket Bandit

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Nice Move

I’m too young to have been able to experience the “McGruff, the Crime Dog” campaign during its prime. I did grow up in the Tampa Bay area, however, so I am blessed enough to have been able to watch Fred “The Crime Dog” McGriff play during his prime. Dude was an All-Star. Here in the T.B. area we take special pride in our All-Star athletes. This is mostly because up until a few years ago we would only have one a season. McGriff’s All-Star campaign, however, inspired me more than any other. Not to play baseball, though, but to fight crime. And that’s what I’m going to do today.

In the criminal justice system, fraternity-based offenses are considered especially heinous (for some reason). On the computer, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies (and usually misdemeanors) are members of an elite squad known as the TFM News Team. These are their stories.

BUM BUM.

From Yahoo! News:

Aleena Headrick of Waynesboro, Georgia spotted a strange sight in front of her home recently. Headrick told WAGT NBC 26 News, “I was driving by, I saw this giant Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket in my yard, and I thought for sure that I was hallucinating. So I called my teenagers who were at home and checked to, had them go outside.” Headrick was not seeing things. There was in fact a huge 7-foot Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket in front of her house, and the family had no clue who it belonged to nor where it came from.

Many things popped into my mind when I read this. First, Mariska Hargitay, because I have been half-chubbin’ it ever since I wrote that SVU parody (for most people it’d be a quarter-chub but I’m not very well endowed). Second, the sudden urge to just beat the shit out of somebody. Now I see where some of these cops are coming from. And third, I’ve seen this before.

“But where?” I said. Then it hit me. “But where… Butt where… Butt… Pee in Butts.”

Dear God, it’s from here.

Screen shot 2013-07-30 at 2.32.31 PM

Sure, they look a little different, but still, we’re talking about two KFC chicken buckets the size of Buicks.

Now get ready, folks, because I’m about to hit you with a tidal wave of justice. You might as well call me King Poseidfrat. Here’s what I noticed about these two seemingly isolated incidents.

They occurred within an hour of each other.

As a seasoned TFM veteran, I know that back in the olden days of the site, the college of the submitter would appear in the URL. In this case, that institution is Georgia Southern University. Located in Statesboro, Georgia, GSU is only 50.9 miles away. In a car like the General Lee, that’s just a 45 minute cruise away. You think it’s just a coincidence that two gigantic KFC buckets randomly landed in front yards that close together? If so, you’re crazier than my buddy The Handjob King, and he only lets girls give him handjobs. Dude’s crazy. I’m sure you all know the masturbation joke, “Do you know who gives the best handjobs? Me.” Right? Well, I actually do. Seriously. Come try one. It’s a TFM.

So, there you have it. Public enemy number one in the case of the KFC Bucket Bandit is a Georgia Southern University student.

If this doesn’t win me the Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting, I don’t know what will. In the mean time, I’m just gonna sit back, relax, and give myself one of my world-famous handjobs.

[via Yahoo! News]

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