If there’s a weekend all of us old-timers look forward to each year, it’s a close call between homecoming and the alumni golf tournament weekend. Dozens of old dudes descend upon their old college towns for a weekend with the active brothers and engage in networking, brotherhood, debauchery and good old fashioned golf. The shenanigans are out of control all weekend.
It might go something like this:
7am: Pledges arrive in caddy attire to pick up alumni at downtown hotel after breakfast. Hopefully, all alums are present and accounted for.
7:30am: Alumni arrive at local golf course for a little time on the range. Friendly long drive competition ensues. Gallons of Gatorade and water are consumed.
8am: Shotgun start. Some guy actually brought a loaded shotgun, but the course marshal wouldn’t let him fire it.
8:01am: Shotgun start also means that it’s time to shotgun beers. Older guys complain about how cold the beer is.
8:30am: Your foursome is third off the tee. Pay third golf cart fee for pledge caddies to serve as beer cart boys. Yell at pledge for getting Coors Light instead of Coors Original like you asked for. Boisterous laughter ensues. Just like the old days.
First Hole: A meaningful silence overtakes your group as you step up to the tee and bomb a 280-yarder about 10 yards into the rough. No big deal. You bought a fresh sleeve of DT Solos in the clubhouse. Drink another beer on the way to the green. Sink a 15-foot par putt after a beautiful approach shot out of the rough and two putt. After a solid wedge shot, you tell one of the pledge caddies, “Five iron, huh? Well, you’re fired.” High five everyone.
Second Hole: You’re sitting even after one hole and feeling pretty good about your game. You decide to hold off on anymore drinking considering the payout for the winner of the tourney is a cool five grand. Hook the shit out of your drive and take a drop, but recover nicely for a bogey.
Third Hole: Par 3. There’s one thought on your mind. Hole-in-one. Pull out the eight iron and get some air under it. Instead, you hit the ball off the toe and end up shooting a double bogey. Get ‘em on the next hole. You got distracted because one of the pledges spoke during your backswing off the tee. Make him do pushups.
Fourth Hole: Time to rebound. Nope. Another bogey after you tried to play a power fade into the dogleg and ended up slicing your ball into a fairway bunker.
Fifth Hole: Just have some fun. Crack open a beer and just enjoy the day. You’re already four over and there’s little hope you can salvage your round. Your buzz ups your game as you sink your first birdie of the day.
Sixth Hole: A commotion on the hole next to you stops your buddy in his back swing as there’s a loud crash. It’s two drunk guys from ’87 who crashed their golf carts into one another. Share a raucous laugh with everyone. Shotgun beers with the guys from ’87. Double bogey.
Seventh Hole: You decide to go beer-a-hole with the group and really kick things up a notch. You can feel your arms getting sunburned to hell right now, but that just means you’ll have a sweet arm tan come Monday. Bogey.
Eighth Hole: There’s a water hazard about 250 yards from the tee. The safe play here should be to lay up with your hybrid, but no way. It’s time to pull a Roy McAvoy and own the water. Pull out your 10.5 degree driver and hope for a gust of wind. Splash. Take a mulligan. Splash. Third time’s the charm. Splash. Snowman.
Ninth Hole: You can’t head back to the clubhouse 10-over after nine. You just can’t. Time to get serious, again. You celebrate your beautiful tee shot with a swig from the pint of Jim Beam you smuggled onto the course. Plant a beautiful approach shot and make your first green in regulation of the day. Nail the birdie putt and Tiger fist pump your way back to the clubhouse.
10am: Reload on beers at the pro shop and pick up a hot dog. Never too early for a hot dog.
Tenth Hole: Time to make the turn and really assert yourself. Drink the last Bud Light at the bottom of your cooler. Pure, cold refreshment. Your bliss is cut short after you hook one into the woods off the tee. Take drop number two of the day and shoot another double bogey.
Eleventh Hole: Another Par 3. Play a beautiful up-and-down shot and put it five yards from the cup. Short your putt. Finish with a par. Another swig from your pint of Beam.
Twelfth Hole: You’re good and liquored up at this point. Your game fluctuates between above average and terrible on this hole as you hit a great recovery shot out of the rough and get it on the green in two. Another three putt leaves you with a bogey.
Thirteenth Hole: You take over cart driving duty as your buddy is drunker than you are. He stops to take a piss in the woods just ahead of the tee box, waving to the elderly couple walking their dog.
Fourteenth Hole: Lose two balls. Give yourself a six. Everyone’s lost track of the score anyway.
Fifteenth Hole: Shotgun another beer as you realize your round is coming to an end. Shoot a six, or was it a seven?
Sixteenth Hole: Pass around your pint of Beam and finish it off before miraculously pitching in from the fringe for a birdie. Celebrate by Stone Colding two beers off the back of your cart.
Seventeenth Hole: Pull a John Daly and hit your drive off of a half-empty beer can. Get beer all over yourself. Laugh like you’re 21 again. Bogey.
Eighteenth Hole: It’s finally over. Long Par 5 back to the clubhouse. Bomb a beautiful drive and reach the green in regulation. Finish the day with a birdie. Take your hat off and shake your group’s hands.
1pm: Park your cart next to the green and watch the rest of the group come in. Smoke a stogie in celebration of your solid 92. You’ve never played this course to begin with. Be proud of yourself.