22 Of The Most Absurd Things People Have Said During Sex

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Sex is good enough without the added commentary. But when you do decide to add commentary, make sure it’s as good as some of the responses below — because these are fantastic.

Some internet strangers have pooled together the strangest, most absurd things said during sex and I am cracking the fuck up as I put this piece together. I have been posting these Reddit threads now for three years and this one is, without question, my all time favorite. I now plan to use the term “fear boner” for the rest of my life.

From Reddit:

The last girl I had sex with cuddled up to me and started “meowing” to be all sexy and I wasn’t about it. Leading up to sex, she didn’t do that once and talked normally. She would meow randomly and make cat noises throughout sex and then when we took a break to grab food, we sat out with my roommates to eat and she would whisper “meow” into my ear. My roommates heard, so now they meow at me.

Future cat lady.

Reverse cowgirl, going at it pretty hard. She suddenly stops, and silently gets off me and lays down next to, but not touching me.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“I don’t think I love you.”
Well fuck.

First time seeing your feet?

“Where’d you get your curtains?”

[sweating profusely] I DON’T KNOW MY MOM GOT ‘EM KEEP GOING.

“I farted and you’re going to notice.”

Gets me hard.

“Don’t worry, I’m already pregnant.”

Jizz away, my friend.

“I don’t know if I’m going to pee, or cum, but something is going to happen!”

Funnier if a guy said it.

This girl really wanted to bang, like months in the making (it was no secret how freaky she was) and during the deed she said “Choke me harder!” repeatedly. It was hot at first, until I could see her face turning colors while she was STILL saying it. I want to nut, not commit murder

Holy shit.

I was inside her when she stopped moving and asked me to do the same. Then, she just said “Come. Come now.” Like she was firmly instructing a puppy or something.
Weird as it was, it was practically telepathy: I exploded.

She’s a witch.

Not strange, but my ex kept calling me Mr. President drunkenly after she had binge watched Scandal earlier that week.
I thought it was hilarious

I called my girlfriend Mrs. President after Monday’s debate.

We were getting ready to bang for the first time, she grabbed my dick and said “I can’t wait to put this inside you” and I have never stepped laughing since.

Well did she?

“My dad has a camera up there (points above armoire) but I don’t THINK he has it on right now.”
One and done.

Good to know.

In a hagrid accent- “you remind me of your father harry” it was totally random and I am a girl.

Bail bail bail.

I was hooking up with a close friend of mine for the first time at a Halloween party. We were pretty drunk, and it was super fun, but he started…singing. Quietly at first, but then louder and louder until he’s kind of yell-singing “BYYYYE BYE MS. AMERICAN PIE, DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVVY…” Like, that song wasn’t playing anywhere, no idea why that was the song he picked, and he pretty much kept singing until he came. I kinda just went with it. It was the only time we ever hooked up so I never got to find out if he always did that, or if it was a one time thing…I still randomly think about it and laugh though. Ms. American Pie, so random.

This is a fantastic way to have sex.

Just dark enough to make out her face in bedroom. She grabs me and emits the creepiest, raspiest voice I’ve ever heard while staring into my eyes
And that was my first fear boner.

Fear boners are almost better than regular ones.

“You can stick it in my ass if you want. I dont like it, but my ex did”
Girl was a bit off.

She’s a keeper.

While eating me out, my boyfriend said “if you fart, I’ll puke all over your vagina”.
We’re married now.

The perfect match.

“Fucking with you is like fucking with the fucking Jesus Christ”
I had a quick inner parlay with my penis to keep it hard “shh it’s okay it’s okay, we’ll deal with it later”

Gotta stay hard in times of turmoil.

I am an amputee…In the midst of it, she whispered, ” I wonder if your stump would fit in my pussy.”


“Just cum inside me. I’ll get an abortion.”

I just fucking LOLed at this one, folks.

“You know you aren’t the biggest I’ve been with, right?” Totally unprompted.


Not said to me but I know the girl who said this. She was hooking up with the class president at her college and in the middle of doing it said “You’re the president of this pussy.”

Nerd sex has great porn banter.

Sucked the tip of my dick, smacked her lips a few times and said ‘I’ll have the bottle please’ before going to town on it.

We have a winner.

Can you top any of these stories? I doubt it. But if you’re a creative type and a compulsive liar, share your story in the comment section below. To read more of these hilarious responses, click HERE.

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[via Reddit]

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