Actor Michael Douglas Claims He Got Throat Cancer From Oral Sex

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For the man who portrayed Gordon Gekko, throat cancer seems sort of inevitable, doesn’t it? All that scotch, all those fine Cuban cigars, all that HPV infested vagina…wait, what!?! According to actor Michael Douglas, his throat cancer was the product, not of smoking or drinking, but rather from contracting the human papillomavirus during oral sex, and I guess forgetting to gurgle Listerine after. That works, right? To be fair, for a guy who probably attended a lot of the same key parties as Magic Johnson in 1980s Los Angeles, HPV and some treatable throat cancer doesn’t seem so bad in terms of sexual consequences.

There’s not really any way of knowing who Douglas contracted HPV from, since the disease is pretty common and Douglas has probably had more sexual partners than I’ve had cups of coffee this week month year, though Douglas has been married to Catherine Zeta-Jones since 2000. I guess that means either Catherine Zeta-Jones has HPV, or Michael Douglas is so sexually greedy that he cheats on his dimepiece wife who is already like thirty years younger than him. Can your lust not be slaked, Douglas!?! Control yourself!

Let’s be real though, we all know who gave Michael Douglas HPV.

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The classic, “sorry my vagina gave you HPV and throat cancer please don’t stop loving me” face.

The actor also claimed that the stress caused from his son’s arrest and subsequent ten-year prison sentence for heroin possession may have helped trigger the cancer. Rich people have the craziest problems.

[via Fox News]

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