Every so often, an actor plays a character that will come to define his career. De Niro had Jake La Motta, Pacino had Tony Montana, and Jim Carrey had Lloyd Christmas. Just one perfectly executed performance can permanently secure an actor’s spot amongst thespian royalty, causing fans to shout his name and beg for autographs wherever he goes. But what happens when an actor plays a role that permanently causes people to want to pummel his face?
Here are some actors that I will forever want to fight because of one character they portrayed in film or television.
Guy Pearce, because of Fernand Mondego.
The Count of Monte Cristo is the ultimate tale of revenge and redemption. Written by Alexandre Dumas and published in 1844, it was probably on a required summer reading list that you ignored somewhere down the educational line. Fortunately for those of you who refuse to read a book, it was made into an awesome movie. I’ve probably seen it ten times, and still enjoy the shit out of it, but now I desperately want to fight Guy Pearce because he nailed the role of Fernand Mondego. I’m talking Fight Club style, man-on-man, full-fledged fisticuffs.
In the film, Pearce portrays the backstabbing best friend of protagonist Edmond Dantes, who ruins Edmond’s entire life simply because he is a jealous shit-bag with less impressive hair. When Edmond asks his best friend why he has betrayed him, the cocksucker responds, “Because you’re the son of a clerk, and I’m not supposed to want to be you!” I won’t spoil the plot for any of the uncultured swine reading this column, but he fucks this guy over worse than anyone in the history of fiction. To make matters worse, his accent reeks of snooty douche. God, I want to perform an eye-gauge on this double-crossing redcoat so fucking badly.
Pearce was perfect for the character, because the pretentious scowl that he can’t seem to wipe off his traitorous face is the most punchable thing I’ve ever seen. Even when I see him in another role, all I can think about is how badly I want to physically destroy him because of his performance as Fernand Mondego.
If I ran into Guy Pearce at the grocery store, I would grab the largest canned good within arm’s reach and beat him over the head with it while screaming, “KING’S TO ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
Jack Gleeson, because of Joffrey Baratheon.
I don’t think anyone would argue that Game of Thrones isn’t the greatest softcore porn epic in the history of television. That show has everything, but most importantly, it has tons of signature HBO nudity and graphic violence. In the midst of all that throat cutting and titty fucking stands Joffrey Baratheon, the whiniest little bitch in the history of the seven kingdoms. He is the spawn of creepy inbreeding between two blonde sociopaths, and for some godforsaken reason he ends up being king of the whole realm.
Joffrey is played by Jack Gleeson, whose most notable cinematic contribution prior to this breakthrough role was as “Little Boy” in Batman Begins. Unfortunately, that breakthrough role happens to be portraying the vilest, most sinister and dislikable hooker-torturing character on TV.
If I was in a movie theatre and noticed Jack Gleeson occupying the seat in front of me, I would dump my popcorn on his head, wait for him to stand up, and spear him into the next row. I would then proceed to make him scream “UNCLE!” with more irony than anyone else in history.
Joaquin Phoenix, because of Commodus.
When I think of Joaquin Phoenix, I still think of Commodus. Gladiator came out thirteen years ago, and Joaquin has been in countless movies since, but I still think of that evil, incestuous scumbag, Commodus. For fuck’s sake, he has played Johnny Cash since then, but to me he is still, and will always be, Commodus.
Something about the way that slithering, scheming dickhead struts around Rome with his nose in the air really rubs me the wrong way. The only reason he even got to be emperor is because he murdered his own father, not to mention Maximus’ entire family. Turns out that last part was a big mistake.
If I was peeing in a urinal next to Joaquin Phoenix, I would turn ninety degrees to face him directly, aim my dick at the highest possible angle as I pissed all over him, wait for him to push me, and then swing on him with my junk out like Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises.
Tom Felton, because of Draco Malfoy.
Here’s the thing: I’m not even a Harry Potter nerd. I only read the first book, and I think the movies are mediocre. But I still want to beat the ever-living shit out of Tom Felton for his role as Draco Malfoy.
I know what you’re thinking – “You want to fight another platinum blonde child?” Yes, I do. It’s not that I have anything against blondes. I used to be one before my battle with Father Time turned me into a breathtakingly handsome brunette. It’s just a coincidence that another one of the most annoying characters ever happens to rock a head of pearly lettuce.
I can honestly say that when Draco Malfoy wasn’t dead by the conclusion of the final Harry Potter film, I was devastated. How did that crybaby, wannabe villain survive? He was the biggest poser in the history of the dark arts.
Draco is played by Tom Felton, who also played a very assaultable character in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. For the record, I would fight the 14-year-old version of this kid, or the present day version. Makes no difference to me.
If I was on a tour of an art museum and noticed Tom Felton taking in a beautiful piece of impressionism done by Claude Monet, I would put his face through it.
Vincent Kartheiser, because of Pete Campbell.
Mad Men is a personal favorite of mine. If you don’t know what you’re getting into, it can seem boring and longwinded, but this isn’t a show where incredible action and unrealistic climaxes are going to keep you watching. You keep watching because Don Draper is the ultimate American badass, and because you love to hate Pete Campbell.
This guy is such a scumbag that he ran into his own father-in-law in a whorehouse. He is the definition of an entitled ass clown, but doesn’t have a single redeeming quality to backup his undeserved persona. Lane Pryce took a shot at Pete back in season five, but that’s nothing compared to the ass-whooping that I’ll put on Vincent Kartheiser, the actor who plays him, if we ever cross paths.
If I was sitting in a waiting room and noticed Vincent Kartheiser reading an issue of Newsweek across the way, I would calmly stand up from my seat, pick up my chair, walk across the room and beat him with it like a WWE Superstar.
I guess being an incredible actor is both a gift and a curse. You nail a role as the bad guy, and everyone wants to fight you. In the comments section below, list the actors that you would give anything to meet in the octagon because of a character they played.