I constantly struggle with how I view Adam Sandler and his career. Adam Sandler made Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, two of the funniest movies of my childhood that are still hilarious to this day. Conversely, Adam Sandler is also responsible for more abysmal (not bad, abysmal) mainstream movies than just about any other major movie star ever. South Park basically figured out exactly how an Adam Sandler movie is made years ago.
Adam Sandler’s brain has shit some terrible ideas onto the page. For example, he co-wrote Bucky Larson, which is to good comedy what Nazi Holocaust surgical experiments are to responsible medicine. You deserve better, Nick Swardson.
Somehow, despite churning out insultingly bad movie after insultingly bad movie, Sandler is not only still marketable, but actually successful. Almost all of his movies make money. A lot of money. Whether that speaks to the general retardation of America or, well, that actually is what that speaks to, but it’s beside the point. Sandler knows that his movies will make money pretty much no matter what, and I genuinely believe that because he knows this, he doesn’t give a shit what movies he makes. Sandler has undeniable comedic talent. He was a standout member of maybe the greatest Saturday Night Live cast of all time, and made the two aforementioned classic films. Still, instead of working hard and creating the best possible product, he’d rather coast by, hang out with his friends, and make a fuck ton of money. As much as it pains me to say it, I respect that, damn it.
Not to mention he casts gorgeous actresses in his films, always as his wife or love interest, simply because he wants to get to at least second base with them on camera. Don’t believe me? What in the name of God is the purpose of Kate Beckinsale being in Click? Jessica Biel in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry? And most egregious of all, is there any real reason for Salma Hayek being in Grown Ups other than the intentions I assume Sandler has? I guarantee you there was a night where Sandler was drunk and happened to be watching From Dusk Til Dawn. He caught Hayek’s stripper scene, called his agent, and said, “Get Salma Hayek in my next movie, I feel like molesting her on camera.” Again, I respect that. Well played sir. Well played.
Grown Ups might embody all of the negative qualities Sandler’s films possess, more so than any other that he has ever made. Lazy humor? Check. God that pool peeing scene was stupid. Hang out with his friends? Look at the cast. BIG TIME check. Make a fuck ton of money? Its total box office was $271,430,189, and that says nothing of DVD sales. So, uh, check.
Was Grown Ups a good movie? No, not even close. So naturally it deserves a sequel, because Adam Sandler felt like it. Grown Ups 2 has a new trailer out, and it looks 95% awful (the only bright spot being the Andy Samberg/Lonely Island cameo). The trailer is filled with cameos, everyone from Shaq to Jimmy Tatro (more on that in a moment) is in the movie. The worst part of it though, by far, was the confrontation scene with the film’s antagonist, a “fratty” Taylor Lautner and his frat bros, who together form maybe the bro-est frat that has ever bro-ed on camera. Seriously, it’s awful. Here it is:
Where to start? The fact that Adam Sandler refers to them as “Abercrombie” is perfect, because these guys look like that’s exactly who dressed them. This is, I imagine, what fraternity guys looked like in California in 1997, the last time Adam Sandler was seen giving a shit. Then, of course, Taylor Lautner is the leader of the fraternity, which is bad enough as it is. Taylor Lautner might be the worst actor on the planet. He looks the part, of an actor, not a fraternity guy, but has the emotional range of the block of wood that someone hit him in the head with as a child, irreparably destroying the part of his brain that creates emotions. The fraternity handshake he does with his bro is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. Lazy, lazy jokes. Taylor Lautner of course isn’t a remotely funny person. His Saturday Night Live episode is one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen a girl walk in on her boyfriend getting blown in the bathroom of a bar during a house bar tab. Though honestly that was more hilarious than awkward. So why is Lautner in the movie? Because $50 million worth of adoring teenage girls just pre-ordered tickets. Sandler might be a lazy asshole, but he’s damn good at it.
You know what though? I’m complaining too much. This is an Adam Sandler movie, after all. What the hell did I expect? On a lighter, happier note, congratulations to friend of the site Jimmy Tatro. Very cool to see you in this trailer, even if this movie looks awful. You’re on your way buddy, and despite everything I just said you better believe I’d jump at the opportunity to make an appearance in an Adam Sandler movie. Besides, it’s not that bad, twenty years ago you had to start out in gay porn if you wanted to get into the movie business. Now you just have to be in a Sandler movie.