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Adventures in Being a Huge Drunk Asshole

I spent this past weekend in Chicago for a pledge brother’s bachelor party. It was, to put it mildly, a shitshow that would have made my parents cry and probably have killed lesser men.

A lot of interesting things happened. There was my pledge brother’s post grad GDI friend who dropped cocaine on the floor of a bar’s bathroom and then proceeded to lick it up because, I don’t know, he sucks? There was the cab driver who asked us if we needed any lady advice, to whom I replied that I didn’t know what to do about my girlfriend who had a miscarriage fetish. According to the look on his face after I said that, I’m a psychopath. There was the bar we got kicked out for playing “the pick up line game,” which if you aren’t familiar involves picking out a girl and forcing your friend to say the creepiest thing possible to her. We got booted after I made one of my brothers walk up to a plus sized female and say “Nice mom butt, let’s say I get you pregnant and make that thang official.” Running from bouncers is hard when you’re crying laughing, by the way. There was also this picture, which I do not recall taking but will cherish forever.

Would you believe someone actually had sex with that guy? That night? She was a saint (and a former sorority president at Mizzou, hilariously enough). I had a really tough time holding back the “You SO look like a real actual hooker right now” giggles as I escorted her from the hotel, put her in a cab, and gave her a twenty for the fare.

I’m tempted to write an entire column on the bachelor party, but it would the ultimate TL;DR considering that most of you Downs havers can barely get through thirty point lists about the habits of GDIs without screaming “WHERE’S FAIL FRIDAYYYY!?!?! DERRRRPPPPPPP!!!!.”

Instead I’ll relay my favorite moment of the trip. I should note that this isn’t a highlight moment. While it’s fun to get titties in your face or have a random hookup, and fun to hear about that stuff, I’m always more amused by the little things. That’s my Arrested Development fandom on full display. This anecdote from the weekend wasn’t the craziest part of the trip, not by a long shot, but it was definitely the best illustration of just how belligerently drunk my friends, and especially I, were. Three fourths of this was retold to me, because I honestly don’t remember.

This all happened in and around a very awesome Chicago bar called Sedgwick’s. It’s a Mizzou/Cardinals bar and we were there to watch Mizzou get throttled by South Carolina. You know you don’t belong in the SEC when you lose to a top ten team on the road. Oh wait.

Anyway, after pounding gallons upon gallons of beer at Wrigley I was already belligerent. Upon walking into Sedgwick’s I was pretty much immediately greeted by a guy named Brandon, aka @StelloLikeItIs, who was an ATO at Mizzou and a fan of TFM. Without hesitation he started pouring “Tiger Bombs” down my throat. Other than pure evil I’m not really sure what was in those drinks. They did not help matters. By 5:00pm my soul had been bludgeoned to death by Bud Light and Tiger Bombs, and other than my immediate friends I had no regard for any other human being’s comfort or wellness. I told one of my pledge brothers that I was starting to fade and needed to go across the street to the Walgreens to get a 5 Hour Energy. He agreed to come with me, I assume to make sure I wasn’t killed in traffic.

Once I was in Walgreens I decided that I also needed Vitamin Water to rehydrate and a RedBull along with a 5 Hour, to kick start the energy revival. My other pledge brother later asked me why my heart hadn’t exploded. The line for Walgreens was pretty long so they opened up a second register. Even though I was at the very back of the line I happened to be right next to the newly opened second register, so I casually slid over and was magically first in line at the new register.

Apparently that didn’t sit well with some whiney dickbag who was in line in front of me at the other register, because he immediately protested, saying, “Hey, I was in front of you! You can’t do that!” Once again being casual, I politely said, “Fuck off” and tried to go about my business buying my much needed revival kit of Vitamin Water, RedBull, and a 5 Hour. According to my pledge brother I had actually already downed the 5 Hour, was drinking the open RedBull, and planned on putting those empty and half empty containers on the counter along with the unopened Vitamin Water.

The guy persisted, demanding that I let him get in line in front of me. I had been talking to this asshole for three seconds and I was already tired of him. At this point I decided to pull a power move, DadBoner style. No seriously, one of the few things I remember was that I was so drunk I legitimately let DadBoner’s methodology guide me. Power Moves. Resolved to make this guy look like a piece of shit that he was, I leapt into action. This was the interaction, according to my pledge brother.

__________

Me: You in a hurry, guy?

Guy: You were behind me in line.

Me: (*scoffs*) So?

Guy: I should be in front of you!

(*I look in his hands, see two RedBulls and some candy or something*)

Me: (*to the store*) Hey everybody! This guy’s in a hurry! He’s got places to be! Look out for this guy! (*to the guy*) Here you go chief!

(*I yank everything out of his hands, slam them on the counter, slam my things on the counter, the cashier and guy are bewildered, my pledge brother is laughing hysterically*)

Me: (*to the Cashier*) I got this guy. He’s in a real fuckin’ hurry, THIS GUY! (*points at guy*)

Guy: (*bewildered*) No, you don’t…don’t…

Me: No no no no no no no no. I got ya, buddy. I know how living the fast paced life is. Waitin’ in line? Fuck that shit! Amiright! (*hands Cashier a credit card*) Run it. All of it. (*To the store*) ANYBODY ELSE?

__________

After I was done paying I shoved the guy’s stuff back into his arms, said, “Have a great day champ, glad I could help,” and walked out of the store while he stood there like a deer in headlights. Unfortunately, unlike an actual deer in headlights, he wasn’t hit by a speeding truck moments later.

My pledge brother and I stood outside the Walgreens across the street from Sedgwick’s as I drank my Vitamin Water. I had literally maybe taken five sips when the asshole from inside walked out and looked at me. For whatever reason (because I’m a drunk ass) I immediately turned, threw my full bottle of Vitamin Water as hard as I could against the wall of the Walgreens, and shouted “FUCK THIS VITAMIN WATER! I’M IN A FUCKING HURRY TODAY!” The guy scurried off. Then we went back inside and, uh, well I don’t really know.

That little interaction sums up that bachelor party weekend better than all the tits and illicit activity ever could. Just a bunch of drunk assholes being huge drunk assholes throughout the city of Chicago. God it was great.

***


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