If there’s one thing that was confirmed week one of the college football season, it is that Nick Saban still reigns supreme, the Crimson Tide are on a crash course with another playoff appearance, and, without a doubt, the favorites to hoist another championship trophy. What we learned, however, and was far more unexpected, was that the vaunted SEC is more of a paper tiger than a champion, perhaps best exemplified by the Mad Hatter and LSU sending DeVry into some sort of euphoric state I still can’t believe I haven’t gotten a boastful text about. I am ready, after one incomprehensibly miserable week, to crown the Crimson Tide the SEC Champions, saving a whole lot of time, injuries, and steamrolling of supposed schools. Just give them the damn trophy.
Starting with the East, not that anyone really thought they’d pose a legitimate threat to the almighty Saban, Tennessee looks like the second or third best team in their own state, depending on what’s going on with Memphis. I swear watching their game that App State looked more physical and were a whistle or two from a massive road victory that would have had Michigan alumni beaming. Florida’s offense has maintained its post Urban Meyer malaise, looking like an 11-year-old girl coaches their offensive line and choosing plays any random EA Sports enthusiast could see coming. The rest of the division is so wholly irrelevant that it’s not worth discussing, though I’m sure the Cocks in South Carolina are still salivating over their second half performance against mighty Vanderbilt. Like I’ve said previously, college football fans are wildly delusional.
Where I’m absolutely shocked, however, is in the West division, which made the Big Ten and ACC look like NFL conferences in the supposed “marquee” matchups of week one. Starting with the meltdown in Lambeau, Cam Cameron must have an immense amount of blackmail on his longtime friend Les Miles. Cameron, the architect of perhaps the most inept, yet talented offense of the past several seasons, has somehow survived immense staff turnover since 2014 to be the second most tenured coordinator in the SEC Conference. However, continuity, when it is the continuation of idiocy, can be damning. Brandon Harris is terrible, Fournette cannot run through eight man fronts, and though the Tigers have reeled in a top five recruiting class each of the past four cycles, their backup is disgraced Purdue transfer Danny Etling. Not great.
Mississippi, the latest victim of Florida State, forgetting football is a four quarter game, has to be shaken after the self-anointed “best quarterback in football” Chad Kelly melted down in the second half to the tune of three devastating turnovers and less than 100 yards of total offense. Not surprisingly, the Seminoles turned a 28-6 deficit into an 11-point victory as Hugh Moneybags stood nearly motionless on the dejected Rebel sideline. The “Landshark” defense is atrocious, making Deondre Francois, in his first career start, successfully begin his Jameis Winston impersonation, and allowing 300 yards of total offense in just 19 minutes of actual game time. Good luck with Bama this year, Rebs.
Aside from that, the rest of the conference is just a fucking pushover. Auburn looked okay, I guess, but their quarterback situation is a dumpster fire and Sean White is not the answer. Their defense is nice, but have 11 games of carrying Auburn and Malzahn’s retention hopes squarely on their shoulders, what could they really have left for the Iron Bowl? Mississippi State lost to somebody none of us have ever heard of, which says enough about what should be Dan Mullen’s last season in Starkville. Mizzou, Vandy, and the choke artists known as Kentucky, showed absolutely no reason for optimism this weekend, instead cementing their now seemingly endless reign as perennial cellar dwellers.
And there there’s Georgia. First of all, I won money on this game as you know, so go Dawgs. But in reality, they were outplayed in what amounted to essentially a home game against a very average North Carolina. Eason is an incredible talent but will have growing pains, and if you think Saban would let his former DC beat him in year one, you don’t follow Nick Saban and Alabama football.
The Tide are unbelievably loaded, their coaching staff continues to add to its collection of all-stars, and the conference is worse than anyone could imagine.
Image via Instagram/@alabamafbl