Alabama Pi Phi, Chi O, and Others To Reportedly Offer Bid To Discriminated Black PNM After University President Keeps Bidding Open

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Nice Move

Sunday night, University of Alabama president Judy Bonner met with Panhellenic sorority advisers behind closed doors to discuss the whole, “Oh crap the entire country just found out exactly how racist we are,” situation that stemmed from two African-American women being denied membership to 16 Alabama sororities simply because they were black. The president would have met with Panhellenic advisers sooner, but there was a big game against A&M this past Saturday, and as per her University of Alabama presidential duties, Bonner was required to spend the week leading up to the game feeding unbaptized toddlers to Nick Saban in order to keep the ball coach strong.

TFM reported last Friday that several sororities, including Pi Beta Phi and Alpha Gamma Delta, were considering offering snap bids to one of the initially rejected girls. According to sources, per University president Bonner’s instructions, Alabama sororities are now to remain open to continuous bidding. Whether that was decided at the Sunday meeting between President Bonner and Panhel advisers, or beforehand, is unclear, though I imagine most of the meeting, considering it was with some of the very same women who caused this entire situation in the first place, went something like this…

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President Bonner: You dumb bitches…

Adviser 1: (nervously) Madame president, if we could just explain.

President Bonner: EXPLAIN!?!?! Explain what? Explain why a group of educated 30/40/50-year-old women are as socially backwards as the meth dealers who settle their disputes jousting in the trailer park just outside of town by standing in pickup truck beds and holding sharpened shower curtain rods? Explain why this university is making national news for something other than football? Football is literally the ONLY thing we can make positive news for! The university isn’t exactly making any huge scientific research breakthroughs, considering all of our science departments are busy cloning Nick Saban and incubating the little demon fetuses so that his reign of football darkness can last a thousand years.

Adviser 2: We’re sorry. We don’t know what we were thinking.

President Bonner: You think you’re sorry now? If this University doesn’t repair its image with the black community, immediately, God knows what could happen. If Alabama misses out on a touted black football recruit because they think the school is racist, it won’t be me coming down on you, it will be him.

(*President Bonner points to a gigantic picture of Nick Saban hanging above them. The painting almost seems to be alive, and on its face is a disapproving scowl. The room goes deathly silent.*)

President Bonner (CONT.): (in a hushed whisper) For now the beast is appeased. You would do wise not to cross him, for when the darkness arrives at your doorstep, salvation is but a lost dream, an impossible hope, replaced by the reality of pain and hellfire. Do not make me bring him here to address this situation.

Adviser 1: (fearfully crying) We’re sorry. We’re sorry. We’ll make this right.

President Bonner: You’re Goddamn right you will. Morons. Idiots. Children. (Shakes her head and walks out of the room) The fuck is wrong with these people?

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Between President Bonner’s instructions and the desire of the active members in several sororities to offer snap bids, it would seem that one if not multiple bids being extended are inevitable. According to one source from Pi Phi, a bid from her sorority, which very badly wanted to bid one of the girls during recruitment but was prevented from doing so by their alumnae advisors, is forthcoming.

I just heard bids are definitely occurring.

Pi Phi was, according to a source from inside Pi Beta Phi’s national headquarters, the sorority designated by the shadowy entity purported to run Alabama’s Greek social scene, “The Machine,” to give a bid to one of the black PNMs. I’m not really sure how the Machine meeting to decide which sorority should bid one of the black girls went, but I assume it looked something like this, except, you know, with dudes:

Despite what purportedly pleased and sparkled the members of The Machine, Pi Phi’s alumni advisers (along with basically every other sorority’s advisers) were dead set against bidding a black girl, considering it social suicide for the sorority, which is ironic, because being discovered to be a petty, deep-seated racist who acts out backwards ways of thinking by threatening young college girls is actually social suicide.

Now, however, it would seem that the wishes of both the active members of the sororities, who from the beginning wanted to extend a bid, as well as President Bonner, are being fulfilled, at least to an extent. One or more bids are likely coming. Now the question is whether or not the girl(s) who receive the bids will accept them after all the scandal and humiliation. It’d be hard to blame them if they didn’t, but as I wrote last week, I think it’s important that they do.

I hope, however, the two girls who were initially declined bids accept any olive branch they are given, because they would clearly be assets to any house on that campus, and the Greek community as whole. To those two girls, if one or both of you receive snap bids, I urge you to accept them, in part, because you deserve it, and in part as a big “fuck you” to everyone who doesn’t think you belong there. Half the fun of winning is watching the other asshole lose, after all.

It is important that any bid offered be accepted, and I truly hope these girls will accept. While it’s important for the Greek community that any bids offered are accepted because it to an extent reconciles the situation, and more importantly because these girls would be both incredible assets to any organization, all of that is secondary. What is truly important is that a bid will validate whichever girl receives it, because it tells her that she is, in fact, good enough to be a part of that organization, and this community, and that the vast majority of its members won’t stand for the shitty attitudes of unhappy, racist people who are lost in time. It’s important that the girls accept the bids because it’s the first step in ending all of this and making sure that future black PNMs don’t have to go through the same fucked up experience they did. It’s important that any bids are accepted, because it means these girls win, and the sad, ignorant, unfulfilled, and presumably hollow uterused alumnae advisers lose. It’s also important that these girls accept any bids because it means I can go back to writing dick jokes and Frat Romance Novels instead of articles that require me to think beyond metaphors about 69ing and the like, though admittedly that’s just my own selfish reasoning on the last one.

So please, girls, if you are offered a bid, I urge you to accept, because you very much deserve them. These bids are not a PR move, they are a wrong being righted by women who truly wanted to right that wrong and have wanted to call you sisters since they met. Actually probably since before they met you, because obviously they Facebook stalked the shit out of your profile prior to recruitment. Either way, Best of luck.

***UPDATE***

Supposedly Chi O could be in on the action as well, according to one Alabama student.

Black PNM went Chi O at Bama

No one is sure though, because the Chi Os are keeping it under wraps for now.

I’ve heard rumors about that as well but I have no clue if it is true. Chi O is staying really quiet about it all.

Another source says that since President Bonner instructed the sororities to keep the bidding process ongoing, most houses have decided to offer bids.

Most sororities voted to offer bids to at least one of the African American girls.

Again, hopefully the two African-American PNMs decide to accept, seeing as the girls they’ll be living and partying with were never the ones who wanted to keep them out.

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