America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 4

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America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, Fun Dip, The Super Bowl, etc, and inventing the word etcetera (and the subsequent abbreviation) so that you don’t have keep listing things when you don’t fucking feel like it. Boom. Advantage America. But ultimately our greatness comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.

Phalanx CIWS

The Phalanx is a close-in weapon system designed to shoot down anti-ship missiles. It’s a radar guided 20 mm Gatling gun that is mounted on a swiveling base attached to the ship. CIWS is pronounced “Sea Whiz” because that’s pretty much what it does. When some bottom tier military fires a missile at one of our ships, the Phalanx automatically targets it and pisses all over it with 20 mm anti-aircraft cannon shells at 4,500 rpm.

The Phalanx derives its name from an ancient Greek warfare formation that was immortalized by the Spartans. Soldiers would march together, as one entity, using shields to block others from getting in while they stabbed the shit out of everybody in their way with spears, pikes, and swords. It is derived from the Greek word phalanx, which literally means “the finger.” It’s the perfect name for an American weapon. Anytime anyone tries to shoot missiles at one of our ships, we give them the finger and send their outdated technology to the bottom of the ocean… right before we turn their cities into parking lots.

AA12 Automatic Shotgun

If I could sell my soul to own any one item, it would be the AA12. It’s a freaking fully automatic shotgun. It has a 32 round drum magazine and cutting edge technology that reduces the recoil to practically nothing. I almost cum in my pants just imagining how gnarly this thing must be to shoot. It’s built so solidly that you don’t even have to clean it… ever. If only they could apply this technology to sluts. Condoms would become an ancient relic of penile repression.

The AA12 has been integrated into the Hammer platform, which allows you to mount two side-by-side AA12s onto any vehicle. The system can be remotely controlled from inside the vehicle. You can also mount the AA12 on a robot, or any other terrifying Sci-fi death machine you (and our military scientists) can imagine.

The versatility of different types of shotgun ammo makes the AA12 even more badass. You can load one of the guns with salt rounds to deal with protesting hippies and the other gun with buckshot or frag12 grenades, which tear terrorist fucks to pieces. Either way, the AA12 is unprecedented in its ability to bend bitches over and pepper them with loads of lead.

B-52 Stratofortress

Nothing has been associated with dick shrinking awesomeness for as long as the B-52 Stratofortress. Known more commonly as BUFF (Big Ugly Fat Fucker), the B-52 has been causing penises to shrivel since the 50’s. It was designed as our go to strategic bomber for dropping hydrogen bombs on Soviet skanks during the Cold War. It was an integral part of the Strategic Air Command, so it’s no joke to say that the B-52 is a big fat fucker in the SAC. Pilots had to be a minimum rank of Major to deal with the heavy moral burden associated with destroying all human life on the planet. It’s so beastly that it’s planned to be in service until 2040. Referred to as a flying dump truck, it has a 185ft wingspan and 8 monster engines that can unleash over 70,000 lbs of freedom onto any shit heads who waive their little dicks in the wind at America.

America hazed the shit out of Vietnam with B-52s in the 70’s. We dropped over 3 million tons of bombs on Charlie. Even though America eventually pulled out of Nam, we blew a huge 50-roper all over that country’s face when we did. Our load was so epic, Nam’s eyes are still burning from it. We fucked Vietnam’s face up so hard that the rest of the world still brown bags her when they want to hang out.

Part 5 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can actually in no way promise that part 5 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once, twice, thrice, or whatever the fuck four times is and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

If you missed Parts 1, 2, and 3 of the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick of the World” series you can find them here:

America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 1
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 2
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 3

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    • -2

      General Mattis is by himself, one of America’s coolest, most bad ass weapons.

      “I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you with me, I’ll kill you all.” – General Mattis

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  1. 6

    How many times must I say this, TROOPS! Or are you waiting for the very last installment? If you end this series without mentioning the troops, so help me god Rage, SO HELP ME GOD!

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 2
    Sand Saver

    Maybe I’ve missed something, but the Mk 19 Machine Gun Grenade Launcher should be on this list. If not because it’s the greatest Crew Served weapon ever, then think of this: Americans are no longer allowed to use it on vehicles, because we fucked up so much shit with it that the powers that be have refused repeated requests that it be mounted back up again. (I wasn’t allowed in 09-10 so if anyone has gotten one on, I’d love to hear about it)

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 2

      ^Very true, I read his book and he fucks people u regularly. But we can’t forget Gunnery Sergeant John Basilone. Carrying a mounted machine gun around and killing japs is no easy feat. But everyone should read the story of Sijans trek/crawl through Vietnam. He escaped from capture and had a broken leg so couldn’t walk so he decided he would scoot on his back for the upwards of I believe 30 miles, he went so far his buttocks were worn to the bone but he still didn’t quit.
      And there is Robin Olds who quit shooting down Vietnamise planes so he wouldn’t become an ace and have to go back to America and not fight. Also he fucked plenty of officer clubs up. FaF.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1

      If you’re going with a person there’s really no question. Navy Seal sniper Chris Kyle has the highest kill count in US military history (160 confirmed kills, 255 claimed). He’s basically the most bad ass person who has ever lived.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      The Demofratic Party

      Excess military spending has gotten out of hand in our nation. We should instead focus our resources on welfare and social service programs, spreading the wealth from those who have too much to those who need help. TLiberalM.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1

      A throwback edition could be great. Possible topics could include: SR- 71 Blackbird- Spying on commies since ’66
      F- 14 Tomcat- For splashing MiGs and just looking badass with its folding wings
      P- 51 Mustang- Americas weapon responsible for bringing the once-feared luftwaffe to its knees
      F6F Hellcat- For wasting the imperial Japanese navy

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1


      Or you could use the USS New York made of some 9/11 scrap metal. A big fuck you to the terrorists. Literally made of capitalism.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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