America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Even when we know we’re going to pull out, we still blow chemical warfare straight into your eyes before we unfriend you and stop answering your phone calls forever. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.
Iowa-Class Battleship: USS New Jersey
Nothing shrivels testicles as fast as a 45,000-ton TFM packed with 1900 seamen that can hurl Volkswagens over the horizon. That’s really all that needs to be said about Iowa-class battleships. I could go into detail about all the different electronic warfare and anti-aircraft bullshit, but when you get down to it, the cannons are the only things anyone gives a shit about.
The USS New Jersey has nine 16″/50 caliber Mark 7 guns housed in three triple turrets. When calibers get that big, they can be difficult to conceptualize, much like Miley Cyrus’ ever mutating sexuality. To put it into perspective, the Mark 7 fist pumps a 2,700 pound projectile that is 16 inches in diameter. It’s a cannon shell that’s as big around as an extra large pizza and weighs as much as a Ford Focus. 660 pounds of smokeless gunpowder launch that fucking Focus up to 24 miles away. That’s eight times the distance to the horizon at sea level. The shells have a 90 second hang time before they hit a target at maximum range, which is more than enough time to get a bitch pregnant. The gun itself weighs almost 268,000 pounds and it’s 66.6 feet long, making it a perfect replica of Satan’s cock.
The guns aren’t even the best part. Unlike other Iowa-class battleships, the USS New Jersey was personally named by president Franklin D. Roosevelt to repay his political debt to the governor of New Jersey at the time.
Returning a favor to a guy by having a battleship named after his state. TFDRM.
The M50 is one of the lesser-known powerhouses of the Vietnam War. It’s a tracked anti-tank vehicle that was designed to be small enough to fit into cargo planes, while still being able to bitch slap enemy armor. “Ontos” is a Greek word meaning “The Thing,” and it lives up to its name with six 106mm M40 recoilless rifles. Four of the barrels have .50 caliber spotting rifles attached for stupid easy aiming. Wherever the .50 hits, that’s where the 106mm hits too.
The Ontos is the logical answer to the unnecessary question, “Why have one tank cannon, when you can have six?” The idea is that multiple shots can be fired in rapid succession without having to reload, thus guaranteeing a kill. Some thought it was unconventional, but if I could have six dicks that came at the same time, I’d immediately purchase www.thething.com and turn it into my own personal Bukakke cathedral. I’d probably throw in some squid too… bitches love squid.
The M50 was powered by the standard Army GMC V6 truck engine, which made it significantly lighter and more agile than tanks. It easily maneuvered through terrain that would have bogged down heavier assault vehicles. It was originally designed to be a tank killer, but the bottom tier NVA didn’t field many tanks, so the M50 naturally fell into a more hush-hush role of blowing people up with cannons. Its presence on the battlefield was so intimidating, the enemy would often retreat and entire buildings were abandoned when the .50 cal spotting round came through the window.
Knock knock, fuckers.
PACV Patrol Aircushion Vehicle
The PACV, commonly referred to as “Pac Vee”, is a 38-foot long, 23-foot high hovercraft that maxes out at 60 knots. There’s a 12 bladed prop on the back that provides the go-go juice forward plus a seven-foot propeller underneath that provides vertical lift. It’s technically categorized as a hovercraft, but it’s more accurately described as “one third helicopter, one third airplane, and one third boat.”
North Vietnam is a muddy monsoon shit hole and navigating through the wetlands in a patrol boat was about as easy as a sperm finding an egg at the bottom of a crack whore’s stomach. The PACV is a fucking hovercraft. It went wherever it wanted.
It rocked double Browning M2 .50 caliber machine guns on top of the armored crew cabin and M60s and 40mm grenade launchers on the sides. The stern had an additional remote controlled M60 or grenade launcher for maximum VietCunt punting.
The PACV also had the additional armament advantage of any soldiers or Special Forces who liked to ride on the sides and use their personal firearms for target practice. Murder boners are a primal force and there were plenty of red, white, and blue-blooded psychopaths who busted nuts at the chance to go sight seeing across the Mekong Delta in an armored hovercraft.
There was only one problem with the PACV, it was loud as balls. It wasn’t ideal for patrol or any missions that required the element of surprise. What it lost in stealth, it made up for in speed and firepower. It was incredibly effective at rolling up on shitty villages, taking prisoners, and sending Charlie into the afterlife.
The Vietcong called it Quai Vat, which literally means “Monster”. To capitalize on fear, shark teeth were often painted on the front of the hovercraft skirt. When a monster smashes into your hood, you know you’re done. You can’t fight it. You can’t get away from it. All you can do is hide and pray to your dirty heathen gods that the great American monster won’t find you, eat your children, and burn your village in its wake.
Part 7 is coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles/theaters, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 7 will come soon, but I can promise that I will.
If you missed Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 of the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick of the World” series you can find them here:
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 5 (XM25, MAARS Robot, Active Denial System)
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 4 (Phalanx CIWS, AA-12 Automatic Shotgun, B-52 Stratofortress)
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 3 (MOAB, F-22 Raptor, Ohio Class Submarines)
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 2 (AH-64 Apache, M1 Abrams, B-2 Spirit)
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 1 (Aircraft Carriers, AC130 Spectre Gunship, A-10 Warthog)