America: Big Swinging Dick Of The World, Part 8

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America is the greatest country on the planet for many reasons. In the future, people will open up the books of history and look back on the American Empire in awe. Everything written will be awesome because we will be the ones who write it. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force the world has ever seen.

M-134 Minigun

 

The minigun is the modern perfection of Richard Gatling’s Civil War wet dreams. In the 1860s, the crank-operated Gatling gun helped exterminate indigenous people who were doing drugs and squatting on the white man’s land.

For the sake of brevity, I will assume that most of you know what a minigun is. If you don’t happen to be a gun-loving patriotic American, please consult this valuable historical documentary.

The minigun is a fucking minigun. No explanation needed. It has six barrels of pure rock fury and it holds the world record for the longest sustained erection during combat operations.

After hazing the dirty Viet Cong, the M-134 warmed the bench until Dillon Aero revived it from the edge of retirement and put to good use on Navy SEAL fast attack boats. Firing 7.62s at 50 rounds per second sounds more like a chainsaw than a machine gun, and Dillon Aero was the perfect company for the redesign. After all, the company’s official motto is, “He who shoots the most, the fastest, wins.” TFM.

In Iraq, Army Special Forces mounted M-134s on their vehicles and pounded insurgents like they were in an Orangutan orgy. It was so disorienting that the enemy couldn’t even figure out what the weapon was. All they heard was a terrible noise. All they saw was flying body parts.

You can’t really blame them, though. If someone aimed a laser beam of metal at you, you’d probably shit your brain, too. Intercepted radio transmissions confirm insurgents didn’t understand and were ordered to run like bitches whenever an M-134 was present. Their soft, supple terrorist minds were so brutally raped by the M-134 that regular army units began tying six painted PVC pipes together to mimic the pussifying effect of the real deal.

The M-134 is an integral part of the even more badass Remote Guardian System that the psychos at BAE Systems are working on for the V-22 Osprey.

V-22 Osprey

 

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a motherfucking helicopter plane!

The Osprey is what is known as a tiltrotor aircraft. The twin three-bladed Rolls Royce turbo props have the ability to rotate upward of 90 degrees. The pilot can decide to switch between vertical and horizontal flight whenever the fuck he feels like it. The obvious advantage is that the Osprey does not need a traditional runway in order to take off or land. It can quickly penetrate much deeper into enemy territory than the soon-to-be phased out CH-46 Sea Knight. VTOL, bitch!

The Osprey program has been riddled with controversy since its 1986 inception. GDI media smashed the Osprey, calling it overpriced and unsafe. The Marine Corps responded with a big fat middle finger and argued that the libtard data was outdated and obsolete. It was kind of like a study on social media that only focuses on Myspace. It’s as irrelevant as everything that’s ever been said about Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook. That’s why old people shouldn’t be in charge of anything other than their bowel movements.

Concepts in development will mount a remotely operated M-134 minigun (remember that thing?) on the underbelly of the Osprey. It will have the ability to shoot in any direction and it will automatically calculate and adjust for trajectory and airspeed, which means that “leading your target” will become a thing of the past. Simply point and click. Skynet handles the rest.

DDG-1000 Zumwalt Class Destroyer

 

Battleships are obsolete in modern warfare. The Navy is moving away from ground-and-pound brute force in favor of sleeker, stealthier, more rapey destroyers and frigates.

The Zumwalt class destroyer is the apex of kicking ass from a boat. It’s 600 feet of just the tip stealth technology. It’s twice the size of current destroyers and it has a radar cross section that is 50 times smaller. It only needs half the crew because much of the ship is automated.

The cargo hold is all robot shit and the 155 mm guns don’t need seamen to load giant shells into them because the entire process is autonomously controlled by computer. It fires GPS guided shells, which are technically more like rockets because they can change trajectory mid-flight to ensure maximum sphincter tearing accuracy. The DDG-1000 is the most sophisticated war machine ever built and its christening was delayed when our idiot politicians shut down the government in October 2013.

Zumwalt destroyers have been a long time coming, and the Navy had ambitious plans for production until they realized how ridiculously over budget they were in awesomeness. They were originally going to construct 32, but at $3.5 billion a pop, the Navy ended up with three.

The most grandiose part of the Zumwalt is the 78 megawatts of power it generates from its gas-powered turbines. The ship only needs about 20 to run, so that leaves 58 megawatts of power for future weapon systems, such as lasers and electromagnetic rail guns. They might even slap some M-134s on there, too, because fuck you, terrorists.

Rail guns use magnetic fields, scientific formulas, and wizard voodoo to rapidly accelerate metal slugs at the ludicrous speed of Mach 10 on a flat trajectory more than 200 nautical miles long. The hang time is six minutes, and when it hits, it hits like it’s out on parole and it hasn’t seen pussy in 20 years. Don’t worry about the science behind it–just behold the weapon of the future and kneel before your rightful master.

If you have any suggestions for military weapons or vehicles, leave them in the comments, along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 9 will come soon, but I can promise that I will.

If you missed out on the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick Of The World” series, you can find them here:

Part 7 (CBU-97, Mk-19 Grenade Machine Gun, YAL-1 Airborne Laser)
Part 6 Throwback Vietnam (Iowa Class Battleships, M50 Ontos, PACV)
Part 5 (XM25, MAARS Robot, Active Denial System)
Part 4 (Phalanx CIWS, AA-12 Automatic Shotgun, B-52 Stratofortress)
Part 3 (MOAB, F-22 Raptor, Ohio Class Submarines)
Part 2 (AH-64 Apache, M1 Abrams, B-2 Spirit)
Part 1 (Aircraft Carriers, AC130 Spectre Gunship, A-10 Warthog, MQ-1 Predator)

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