Most Americans aren’t soccer fans, except for when the World Cup comes around. Even then, the vast majority of people are just using the sport as an excuse to get hammered and celebrate America. In that way, the World Cup isn’t really any different than drinking a fifth of whiskey while watching Red Dawn, except the World Cup has less action and more actors pretending they’ve been horrifically injured.
After America’s group for this next year’s World Cup was announced, the heart of a collective nation
sank shrugged, assuming that the breathtakingly difficult opponents paired up with the U.S. in this group of SUPER DEATH would ensure another early exit. I, for one, am most furious at the fact that I have to give a crap about Ghana for the third time in twelve years, let alone my entire life. Go back to your shanties.
Though America’s near soccer future might be bleak, the not-so-distant future is looking pretty bright. Case and point, the U.S. U-17 team’s hilariously dominating victory over Brazil’s U-17 side this past weekend, which was so lopsided that the Brazilian team up and quit before the game even ended, because they were so utterly, thoroughly, laughably outmatched.
The game was eventually called with 30 seconds left to play. Pretty bitchy on Brazil’s part to pick up their ball and go home, so to speak, though I’m not sure they knew what else to do since gratuitously diving was not a viable option. Hey, maybe there’s hope for U.S. soccer after all. You have to admit there wouldn’t be a more gratifying sports victory than rubbing a U.S. World Cup title in the face of the rest of the world.
h/t For The Win