American Pastimes: Bringing Alcohol Into Places Where It’s Forbidden

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Alcohol is one of those great substances that makes life so much more enjoyable. There are few things in life that aren’t made better, or at least more entertaining, with a little booze in your system. Sadly, some of the nerds out there in society, such as university administrators, enforce these little things they like to call laws that restrict where you can consume alcohol. Now, I was always under the impression that these laws were more guidelines than actual rules, but apparently, that’s not the case. Who knew, right? Fortunately, there are a few ways you can bring alcohol into places you aren’t allowed to without getting caught.

Obviously, since alcohol is consumed as a liquid, you need to keep it in a container. The first container you can use to bring alcohol into a situation where it’s forbidden, like a football game, for instance, is one that you all have in your body. Yes, I’m talking about your stomach. While it’s not a container in the same way as a bottle or can is, I think we can all agree that the damn thing does a good job of holding alcohol. After all, it’s had plenty of practice. How do you use your stomach to bring booze somewhere you can’t have it? Simple. Pregaming. While it doesn’t allow you to actually drink at the event you’re planning on attending, it does get you drunk, and that’s the objective here. It also minimizes your chances of getting caught, unless you’re a drunken shitshow and you handle your liquor like a girl, in which case you fucked yourself over and you probably deserve to be caught. In all, it’s the simplest way of discretely transporting alcohol because, in the end, you’re just using what God gave you.

The assholes of this world that are always trying to keep us down will stop at nothing to keep you from having a good time, getting drunk, and enjoying your basic American liberties.

Aside from drinking before whatever event you’re attending (which you should always do, anyway), there are a few other ways to bring booze in. One of these is something I’m sure almost all of you have done. It’s honestly a bit of a throwback method. This is a skill most of us developed and refined in high school, but it can’t be left out. Mixing liquor in with a non-alcoholic beverage in a non-suspicious container is a mainstay for a reason. It’s easy and it’s cheap. Have a bottle of Coke? Have some bourbon? You’re good to go. While some places, such as stadiums, won’t let you bring a bottle in with you, for most other situations, this is a good way to bring booze in with you. Just make sure you do it right. I knew a kid in high school who poured a few Beast Ices into an empty McDonald’s sweet tea cup and drank them through the straw. Drinking that shit is bad enough, but through a straw has got to be awful.

Of course, you can’t forget about the classic method. You know, the one that our forefathers used: the standard flask. There’s a reason why it’s been used by so many people for so long. It’s reliable, it’s cheap, and it’s easily concealable. You can fit a flask in your back pocket of your jeans, inside your vest or jacket, or inside your boots. Theoretically, if you really wanted to, you could carry enough flasks on your person to get you and a few friends pretty drunk. You might not be the most comfortable person in the world, but at least you’ll be able to get a good buzz.

Then, like everything in life, there are those less conventional methods out there. They’re not as commonly used, but they do work. There are some items out there specifically designed for bringing liquor into a game. You might’ve seen them before, and if you haven’t, it means they’re performing as they’re designed. There are binocular flasks, cushion flasks, and even visor flasks. While these vessels aren’t as commonplace as some others, from what I understand, they work just as well. They aren’t the only less conventional ways to secretly bring alcohol places. I’ve seen people carrying booze in CamelBaks and similar hydration systems. While likely to attract attention, as well as being pretty weird, this method allows the individual using it to carry in a lot of liquor. Have you seen some of the CamelBaks out there now? They can get pretty damn big.

Finally, you can always bring your alcohol in straight from the source. Smuggling a bottle into the game is almost a tradition on its own. The good people who produce and bottle our favorite drinks go out of their ways to make this easy for us. They don’t just make fifths, liters, and handles. The airplane bottle isn’t just for mid-flight cocktails. They may as well have been designed to bring places you’re not supposed to have alcohol. You can fit a couple of them in each of your pockets, and you can discretely pour them into a cup as you sit in the stands. Airplane bottles aren’t your only option. Those flask size bottles are perfect for bringing booze in, because, well, they’re flask size. You don’t have to worry about filling a flask, and when you’re done, you just toss the bottle. They fit perfectly in the interior breast pocket of a suit jacket or tuxedo, so they’re good for some more formal events than your average football game.

Conversely, in a more relaxed environment, you can always try pocketing a beer or two. I remember waist-banding them back in the day. If you’re ever in a situation where you have to do this, I highly recommend the eight ounce can. They fit well in your pockets, you can stash one or two in your waist band, and hell, if you really need to get some beer in to wherever you’re going, you can drop one in the top of each of your boots (provided you wear them, which you should).

Regardless of how you do it, it’s important that you’re able to discretely bring your booze into whatever event you’re attending. The assholes of this world that are always trying to keep us down will stop at nothing to keep you from having a good time, getting drunk, and enjoying your basic American liberties. Don’t give them the satisfaction of catching you. If you’re going to sneak alcohol in somewhere, do it right.

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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