American Pastimes: Raging On New Year’s Eve

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Gentlemen, we are only days away from one of the greatest holidays of the year. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re a dumbass. New Year’s Eve is just around the corner, and for people like us, that’s a pretty damn big deal. Now, honestly, I don’t know why people care about a new year. I mean, I guess it’s important to know when to get a new calendar. I know that a lot of people use it as a time to reflect on the past year and have hope for the coming one. Well, fuck that. New Year’s Eve serves one real purpose and that is to provide us with a great excuse to get absolutely shitfaced in the dead of winter.

See, in my opinion, winter sucks. It’s cold, girls are wearing more clothes, you can’t pass out outside comfortably, and college football is over with the exception of a handful of bowl games. Holidays like New Year’s Eve are necessary for us to make it through the dark, cold days of winter. Now, unlike many other days of the year, New Year’s Eve is one day where pretty much everyone is trying to get hammered. While you may be getting trashed on Columbus Day, most people probably aren’t. They just don’t respect old Chris, I guess. However, since just about everybody celebrates New Year’s, it’s a guaranteed recipe for a good time. Everyone is going to be out. There will be parties, bar events, and multitudes of people all trying to get liquored up and have a good time.

It’s not just us men who enjoy this holiday, though. Our female friends celebrate New Year’s Eve too, and they tend to care about it a lot more than we do. See, for use, it’s pretty much just a great excuse to get dressed up and get messed up, as the saying goes. For the ladies, New Year’s is a huge deal. Why? Well, it’s pretty simple. The women are all anxious for midnight to strike not because they are looking forward to the coming year, but because they are anticipating a kiss when the ball drops.

This is just a recipe for a good time. You don’t even need to try to find a girl to kiss. When the clock strikes twelve and the corks go flying, every girl at the bar will want to be sharing a kiss with someone special. You’re standing next to her trying to get a beer? Congrats. You’re that special someone. I don’t care if you’re the ugliest, most awkward son of a bitch out there, if you want to, you will get a kiss on New Year’s. Of course, it’s not a little peck on the lips. It’ll most likely be a full, unadulterated drunken make out. If you have game, charm, or as I like to call it, the perfect mixture of drunkenness and balls, you might even get lucky. I don’t know what it is about New Year’s, but trust me, it’s just something that’s been happening for eons.

Even if you don’t end up going home with someone, you’re still going to have a great time. Remember, everyone is going to be absolutely shitfaced. You’ll see dudes in tuxedos beating the shit out of each other, people swinging from chandeliers, and folks puking in potted plants in the corner. It’s all normal New Year’s behavior. Like any time you and all your friends are incredibly drunk, you’ll probably do something that society would label as extremely stupid, but to you, at the time, will seem like an excellent idea. Drunken adventures? Yes. Drunken destruction? Absolutely. Pretty much any drunk activity you can imagine will take place that night. It’s bound to happen.

In all, New Year’s Eve is one of the best holidays out there, and certainly one of the best that is focused purely on getting incredibly intoxicated. Everyone will be trying to rage. Everyone will be making out. Everyone will be hammered. It’s a standard recipe for a good time. Don’t be the jackass that stays in on New Year’s Eve or who turns in early. Nobody likes that guy. Be the guy that stays out all night. Be the guy who out-drinks everyone at the bar. Be the guy who takes home the hottest girl at the bar. But above all, be an American.

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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