An African Spider Craves Human Blood, Mankind’s End Now Imminent

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Okay, I’ll admit, there are certain elements of this National Geographic story, about spiders craving human blood, that should technically alleviate my current state of unbridled terror. For example the spiders crave human blood from mosquitos. They select their prey based on what they smell, and if they smell human blood in a plump little mosquito then the spiders are on it like a blacked out fraternity guy who smells a late night burrito place. These spiders also aren’t known to attack humans… for now.

But you know what? I’m still terrified. I’m still frozen in shock. If someone dropped a fake rubber spider on me right now I would burn this building down around me, pediatrician’s office and all. It’s better the children die in a fire than by the evil fangs of an exotic spider. After all, can it be long before the spiders rise? This story comes after the one about the town in India that was overrun by angry, venomous spiders. The attacks left two people dead. Not only do spiders now crave human blood, but they’re organized. As far as I’m concerned that attack was an act of war against the human race. A once bubbling feud has spilled over, spilled over with HUMAN BLOOD.

I’m not one for sensationalist news, but if we as a people don’t respond quickly to this new, great spider threat, then society as we know it will cease to exist and the flames engulfing our once great nation will illuminate our arachnid foes as feed on our tastiest infants.

You’ve been warned.

They've begun upgrading to larger prey already.

A known spider fortress.

Our military has secretly been fighting the spider menace for some time now.

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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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    • -1
      John Fox

      ^^^Those photos don’t lie? None of those pictures are even of the spider he’s talking about. The one he’s reporting on is called the evarcha culicivora. It only lives in Africa (where everything terrible lives) and it’s only about the size of a mosquito. Also, stop being afraid of spiders, you short-dick liberal.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      Brovis Love III

      ^false. everything terrible lives in australia. everything here wants to kill you. (and yes, i understand you were probably references black people when you said everything terrible)

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  1. 0
    John Fox

    On the Indian village being attacked by poisonous spiders: “All the bite patients first went to witch doctors, who cut open their wounds with razors, drained out blood and burnt it. That could have also made them sick,”. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that they may have died from that? I can only imagine that a dirty Indian cutting you open and bleeding you out can’t be good for your health.

    Read more: http://www.news.com.au/world/two-dead-after-venomous-spiders-invade-indian-town/story-e6frfkyr-1226381896416#ixzz1yLvX9ADa

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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