When one ponders the title, “Greatest Artists in History,” there is an irrefutable set of visionaries that comes to mind. Picasso. Da Vinci. Weird Ted. That AXO girl with huge tits who happened to have a Sharpee in her purse. And many, many more. These artists defined a generation with their unique interpretations of the world around them, using their talents to depict life, love, loss, conflict, and of course, big veiny dicks.
Today I would like to celebrate iconic works from some of the most brilliant artistic minds of our time. The marker is their instrument. Alcohol, their muse. Passed out drunk people, their canvas. While the masterpieces may be long washed away, the spirit of their creations, as well as the shame of their subjects, will live on in infamy (because their friends sent photos to us).
Artist: Dirty Nate
Dirty Nate was well-known in the Tuscaloosa artistic community for his painstaking attention to detail, an attribute he credited to his love of snorting various amphetamines. Notice the prickle of the scrotum hair. The curve of the vein. The trajectory of the semen load! Breathtaking. Dirty Nate was also a master of adapting his art to the canvas, in this instance, strategically placing the phallus between the subject’s juicy, acne-covered man boobs to create the illusion of homosexual titty-fucking.
Snukes created his most famous piece, “Avatar,” as an ode to the film of the same name, which was very popular at the time and featured, as he put it, “that hot skinny chick who still looked kinda hot even when she was all tall and blue.” Story has it, Snukes ran out of blue marker after covering the left leg and arm of his subject, forcing him to finish the project with green.
Genre: Pop art
The time and dedication that went into Kev’s renowned “Sharp-Dressed Bitch” is remarkable. Experts estimate the piece took an unprecedented three hours to draw, which also serves as a testament to how dangerously intoxicated the subject was. Some experts speculate that the subject was drawn in a Tuxedo suit as a tribute to the formal event he slept through. Others say the Tuxedo was a nod to the clothing one wears when placed in a casket because the subject was “practically fucking dead, dude.”
“I Heart Reagan”
The artist behind this hyperrealistic depiction of America’s most cherished president remains a mystery. Brothers say that it couldn’t have been one of them as it was drawn “way too good for our drunk asses.” Instead, they suspect it was a chunky female art major who attended the party and drew Reagan “because she knew we liked him and she was tryna get dicked.”
“Poop On My Face”
Artist: Wild Bill
I love it when an artist puts a piece of himself into his artwork, and Wild Bill does this quite literally in the controversial “Poop On My Face.” When seen in person, the intoxicating work is a truly sensory experience, stimulating more than just the eyes. You can smell — and practically taste — the artistic vision. It is truly amazing what Bill could do with nothing but a marker, a dream, and a hearty Chipotle dinner.
“Insert Dreams Here”
Cooch made a name for himself during the Impressionist Era with his signature “Five Star” slapping technique (he always traced the outline of his hand mark) as well as his liberal use of male genitalia. Here, Cooch angled two penises towards the anus of the subject, above which he inscribed the cryptic message, “Insert Here.” What our visionary intended of this phrase is up for interpretation, but I see it as a sort of challenge. He calls upon us to project — or “insert” — our hopes, dreams, and fears into the piece. In many ways, the subject is a manifestation of ourselves.
Artist: Ricky Martin’s Wet Dream (Pledge)
Ricky was also a master of utilizing his canvas. Here, he cleverly used the subject’s bellybutton to create a face. As for the cigarettes? Apparently, Ricky, a pledge at the time, was fed up with the subject constantly demanding cigs and running his packs dry as fast as he got them.
The simplicity in Shnazz’s “Jellyfish” is what makes it so timeless. No marker. No mustache. No unibrow. Just a dead jellyfish plopped on the subject’s face. It reminds us all that we mustn’t rest while wildlife is being killed by mankind’s harmful pollutants at an alarming rate — we must take action.
Pudge used his signature technique known as “sunscreen branding” to create a piece that wouldn’t vanish any time soon. “I wanted to create something that outwardly depicted who my subject was on the inside,” Pudge said. “And on the inside, he’s a cock. A total fucking cock.”
Other modern masterpieces:
“A Cacophony Of Penis” by Fartin’ Ben
“Sticky Forehead” by Struggles
“Benzo the Clown” by Jimmy
“Swollen Blueberry” by Vintage Tom
“The Preamble to the Constitution” by Country Mike
“Hitler was a Geed” by Mac
“The Human Carpet” by Sendawg