An Exclusive Interview With 300-Pound Quarterback Jared Lorenzen

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J-Load. The Hefty Lefty. The Pillsbury Throwboy. Whichever nickname you elect to call 300-pound quarterback Jared Lorenzen, we can all agree that the man is an absolute legend.

Like we mentioned yesterday, his résumé speaks for itself. After being named Kentucky’s Mr. Football in 1998, Lorenzen went on to play college football at the University of Kentucky. In four seasons at UK, he broke almost every record in the book, including many marks set by his predecessor, 1999 number one overall NFL draft pick (and major bust) Tim Couch. He’s a Super Bowl XLII Champion, and the 2011 Ultimate Indoor Football League (UIFL) MVP, an accolade he received the season after he stepped down as the GM of the Northern Kentucky River Monsters to become the team’s starting quarterback. You just can’t make this stuff up.

Plus, he does awesome shit like this.

It’s impossible not to love the guy. Having a spirit animal is reserved for Harry Potter whackjobs and girls who want everyone to know that they love Mindy Kaling, but if I were to have a spirit animal, it would be Jared Lorenzen.

Let’s see what the man has to say.

1. First thing’s first: We’re both named Jared. What do you think of the current state of Jareds after Jared from Subway’s recent fall from glory? Do you think Jared Leto’s prettyboy face is enough to keep us from becoming a group of pariahs?

This Jared from Subway is killing our image, especially because I’m a big guy. I mean, come on dude, child porn?!?! I think the only thing we have going for us is that Jared Leto is prettier than most of Hollywood.

2. Favre, Tebow, Vick… The New York Jets have a history of signing polarizing quarterbacks. If the Gang Green picked you up, how do you think you would compare to these QBs?

I grew up loving Brett, but I think we all knew that he only went to the Jets to get to the Vikings. Plus, I don’t send nudes (sorry ladies). Tebow is a GREAT college player. I just do not think he translates well to the NFL. Vick, well, he is an amazing athlete, and I won’t get into his past. I would definitely be polarizing, that’s for damn sure. I can already see the big boy endorsements.

3. As a Super Bowl champion, you accomplished more before the age of 28 than I can ever hope to accomplish in my entire life. How did you and the rest of the G-Men celebrate the win? Any good stories?

We celebrated by drinking a lot and by heading to the casino that was at our resort. I remember having to have our bags in the lobby by 7:00 am to get them loaded on the plane. Let’s just say we all got back in barely enough time to get our bags in the lobby. So if you were at the Wild Horse Pass lobby at 6:50 am, you would have seen about 30 NFL Super Bowl champs passed out.

4. How often do you whip out your Super Bowl ring these days?

I honestly don’t bring it out much. I save it for big events and dinners.

5. You have experience as the commissioner of the UIFL. What do you think of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and, given the opportunity, would you like to replace him as NFL Commissioner?

I don’t think I could do any worse. I mean, this guy seems to be on a serious power trip. It’s ridiculous the power he has and some of the rulings he has made.

6. Did you ever go to fraternity parties during your time at UK?

Unfortunately, I didn’t attend many frat parties. We stuck mostly to the bars.

7. If you had the opportunity, would you have joined a fraternity in college?

I don’t think I would have joined only because I don’t deal well with the “rituals” that frats have. I think they are great and the friends you make are incredible, but just not for a guy like me.

8. What’s your best/craziest story from your college days?

Those stories need to stay between me and the people. I can’t incriminate them.

9. What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage?

Captain and Coke all day.

10. What’s your favorite drunk food?

White Castle or Tolly-Ho (a local late night greaser).

11. Our readers are dying to know: Just exactly how much can you drink? Are you on Wade Boggs’ level?

I can hold my own, that’s for sure. I am no Wade Boggs, but I can drink a fifth pretty easily.

12. We’re big on the dad bod here at TFM. What do you think about this trend of college students taking pride in the gut?

I love the trend. I was tired of women going for the 6-pack guys. To hell with them, women want/need a guy that has a little cushion.

13. When you have sex, do women automatically get on top?

Haha, no but I like when they do.

14. What are your thoughts on UK’s 38-1 2014-15 basketball season?

Amazing season, just wish we could have finished it off.

15. On the same topic, as a recent graduate from the University of Wisconsin, I have to ask: Do you hate me?

I am glad you didn’t start the interview with this question or we would have ended it there. But no, I don’t HATE you, but I do feel a strong disgust that I am doing this now.

16. One of my coworkers recently went to TGI Friday’s and bought endless boneless wings. He also bought a burger. As in, he had an unlimited amount of food, and bought more food. Do you think that’s a waste of money or a good decision, and why? Have you ever been in this situation?

Great decision by him, plus he followed it up with a good flavor switch. One thing you skinny people will never understand is just because we have unlimited food doesn’t mean we want to eat just that food the whole time. Sometimes you gotta change it up and eat a burger. I commend the guy, and think that we would make great friends.

You hear that, Danny Regs? Lorenzen’s on your side, which means now I am too. #FlavorSwitch

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