I had the privilege to sit down with my best friend, a decorated Army Ranger Captain who recently retired from the Army after multiple tours overseas. As a degenerate alcoholic riding the coattails of Uncle Sam’s supremacy, I wanted to get a glimpse into the mind of a true American hero, a man who sacrificed so much to protect my freedom to be a useless alcoholic. Here’s what I took away from it.
What’s the funniest thing that happened to you in Iraq?
We were on patrol near the Diyala river, on a bridge near a town called Al-Sindiyah. It was a night mission and after we had completed our objective, we were walking through the town on our way back to our trucks. It was imperative that we went undetected and were as quiet as possible. So far, the mission had gone flawlessly.
There was a giant bright light on the side of one of the buildings. The light was bright as fuck. God knows how they powered it. But as I rounded a corner, the light hit my NVGs and I was totally blinded by it. I lost my bearings and stumbled for a moment while I tried to adjust my goggles. All of a sudden, the earth crumbled beneath my feet and I began to fall. I knew exactly what was happening and I knew that I was completely fucked.
Most of Iraq is pretty shitty and a lot of the villages don’t have power or running water. They don’t have modern sewage systems like we do in America, so they have to bury all their waste in giant holes. I stepped right on an Iraqi shit hole, and as I fell into it I screamed out at the top of my lungs, “FUUUUUCK!” I sank chest deep into the most disgusting, putrid substance I’ve ever encountered in my life. Shit, piss, petroleum, dirty bath water, semen…you name it. I fell into it. All the guys busted out laughing. So much for radio silence. Everyone was cracking up except for two guys – the two guys in my truck who had to ride back to base with me and my shitty poo poo pants.
What are the Iraqi people like?
They smell like shit. They take a bath like once a month and they have terrible teeth. Their breath smells like a bag of smashed assholes that’s been left out in the sun for too long. The people themselves are actually quite humble. Every house I went to, I was invited in for tea. It was amazing to see people who were so poor be so generous.
How are the women?
Well, it’s hard to tell because most of them wear burkas. Once you get away from the secular areas, the people place very little value on women. If you go to some remote village elder, you could literally buy one of his daughters for $10. In his eyes, it’s a great deal because it’s one less mouth to feed and he can buy food for his family for three months with $10. Their dental hygiene is incredibly inadequate, so they probably give great blowjobs.
How do soldiers deal with relationships while they are deployed overseas?
Well, it’s really difficult for people who are in relationships before they deploy, because Jody is always plotting to fuck their girlfriends back home. Paranoia is a bitch, but if you have enough faith, and Skype, you’d be surprised what a devoted relationship can endure.
But for a lot of soldiers who are not fortunate enough to have their drama waiting for them back home, the FOB offers an entertaining alternative. Intercourse while deployed is forbidden unless you’re married, but no law stops libido. People will always find a way to fuck.
I remember this one female lieutenant who got caught in a love triangle with two other female specialists who didn’t know about each other. TotalBullDykeMove. One of the lovers found out about the other lover and ratted out the lieutenant to her superiors. The two specialists got reprimanded, and as punishment the lieutenant was forced to strip search all suspicious Iraqi women. Based on what little I know about Iraqi hygiene, I suspect she killed herself shortly thereafter.
What’s the most fucked up thing that happened to you?
Do you mean the most fucked up funny thing that happened to me or the most fucked up thing? During war, sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between the two. Fucked up shit happens every day.
This one day, there were a bunch of terrorist assholes held up in a palm grove. They were dug in pretty deep. This was towards the end of the war, so we were trying to get the Iraqis to take care of it by themselves. We could have gone in there full force and crushed them, but we were basically providing back up for the Iraqi government so that they could learn to take care of their own problems.
There were ten Iraqi soldiers or so that led the attack. I took two snipers with me and we were hanging back behind them a little bit providing over watch. All of a sudden I got a terrible feeling, like something was horribly wrong. I grabbed the guy in front of me and stopped him. Moments later, terrorist crossfire tore through the Iraqi line just in front of us. It was an ambush. Bombs exploded and bullets flew right passed my head. Everyone got fucked up. We returned fire and I managed to grab one of the wounded Iraqi soldiers. I pulled him out of the palm grove to where our reinforcements were waiting. By the time I got there, however, the guy was dead as shit. As I drug his body into the clearing, one of the other Iraqi soldiers dropped his gun and began crying. It was his brother. I drug a dead man out of an ambush and dropped his body at the feet of his weeping brother. He lost a brother and I got a Bronze Star, so I guess that’s pretty fucked up.