An Ode to Cheap Bourbon

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An Ode to Cheap Bourbon

As a group, we fraternity men tend to come from wealth and privilege. Well, at least all you yacht and private jet owners in the comment section do. As such, we can afford to drink some of the finer spirits the world of liquor has to offer us. There are times when three fingers of Woodford Reserve or Basil Hayden’s (neat, of course) in a rocks glass can really do the trick. Good bourbon certainly has a certain something about it that makes it irresistible. Maybe it’s the taste, the warmth, or the sense of class that comes with each sip, but there certainly are qualities that make good bourbon something to be sought after and enjoyed. Because of these qualities, good bourbon is often paired with a fine cigar, sipped after a delicious meal, or shared between old friends. While good bourbon is by definition good, there are times when the occasion calls for something else. Something a bit more rough. Something with more bite. Something that comes in an easy-pour, plastic bottle. That is where cheap bourbon comes in.

You may receive a bottle of great small-batch for a birthday or graduation, as it is something to be consumed with as much joy as there is with the occasion at hand. The nice thing about cheap bourbon is that whether celebrating or lamenting, there is always an occasion to drink it. Maybe you just failed a final and have to stay an extra semester (a blessing in disguise), or maybe you just won an intramural championship while simultaneously receiving the lowest sportsmanship ranking. Regardless, cheap bourbon is the drink of choice for the man who wants to enjoy himself, yet also wants everyone around him to know that he is not to be held accountable for any of his actions.

Maybe you want to make the date you were paired up with more attractive. Maybe you want to give yourself a little extra edge before a motivational meeting with the pledges. Maybe you want to go downtown to the bars, but you want to get a good head start first.

For all of these actions, cheap bourbon is the drink of choice. Sure, you may temporarily lose the ability to speak clearly, or make sound judgment calls. You might even find yourself trying to recruit soldiers for the Confederacy outside of the courthouse downtown. These are all risks you take when you drink the cheap stuff and that is part of what makes it so great.

In closing, while high-quality bourbon tastes better and certainly has an air of distinction to it, it cannot compare to the good times you’ll have when drinking some cheap bourbon named after a guy who probably never existed. Think back to all the memories you have of nights with a bottle of Early Times or Old Crow. That’s right, you don’t have any. That’s what cheap bourbon is for. Remember this: when the situation arises, just like an old friend, cheap bourbon is always there and will lead you to make the best decisions that you’ll never remember.

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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