As we all know, I’m a proud Greek student at THE DeVry University. Go fighting computers! It’s become apparent to me that some of you guys think our Greek systems are super different, mine being online and yours being, well, offline. While it’s true that where you have parties, we have AIM chatrooms, and where you have sex, we still just have AIM chatrooms, our similarities may surprise you. One area where we’re similar is hazing. Here at DeVry, every house has a strict hazing policy. It’s a TFM. I’ve had more green beans shoved up my anus than the Jolly Green Giant’s slampiece. We go #hard at DeVry because we fucking can. What’s the administration going to do? Put us on social probation? We don’t even have socials! TOFM.
Another area in which we are similar is the presence of tryhards. God I hate ‘em. Dudes suck. Ours are always bragging about how much RAM their new “compfratter” has and how they just created a World of Warcraft character named “McCoy.” It’s like…just stop. I’ve gotta say, though, your tryhards are way worse people overall, and that’s why I’m here to praise all of you who don’t fall trap to the frat black hole of douche (and no, I’m not still talking about my anus).
Here’s to you, non-tryhards. Here’s to only wearing bow ties in situations that call for them. Here’s to judging hookups by quality, not quantity. Here’s to reading TFM as satire and not as a guidebook. Here’s to getting fucked up and not telling everybody about it in the morning. Here’s to living by “my actions speak louder than my sick new Southern South quarter-zip,” and going out frequently while still getting good grades. Here’s to knowing that being in a fraternity doesn’t define what you have to wear or who you have to be…just as long as you aren’t a loser. Seriously, that’s like the only prerequisite.
Here’s to people not only being friends with you because the extent of how douchey you are is entertaining to them. We all know this guy. He has a terrible personality, but you love watching him in his futile attempts to douche a girl into his bed. Notice I didn’t say douche a girl in his bed. I guess if he is really into hygiene, maybe he’d do that. I don’t know. Anyways, this guy thinks he’s hot shit, but we all know he’s just a steaming hot piece of one. Speaking of Hot Piece, I still have those rush boobs of her to sell to the highest bidder. Hit me up.
Lastly, here’s to thinking for yourself. Making conscious decisions regarding your lifestyle and clothing choices and not changing yourself to fit the “frat” mold. After I was initiated into my fraternity at DeVry, KSG (Kony Sucks, Guys), I changed. I started downloading print-out bow ties, buying boat shoes for my Sims characters, and only masturbating into Polo Ralph Lauren socks. I even once had a booze-influenced one-night stand with my CD tray. I learned the error of my ways the hard way: through the error message I received when I tried to watch my Invader Zim DVDs the next day.
If you have to try, you’re doing it wrong. Just do you.
It’s a TFM.