An Ode To The Asshole Friend

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An Ode To The Asshole Friend

It’s always interesting when you meet an asshole out in the wild and think to yourself, “Does this guy actually have friends?” Sometimes he doesn’t, but oftentimes, you’ll find that either that person was just an average guy having a bad day, or more likely, that he’s “the asshole friend.” You know who I’m talking about. He’s the guy in your group of associates who always gets the most complaints from other people. When things go wrong, you know it was probably his fault. He’s the kind of guy who you love because he’s fiercely loyal, but you have no problem with anyone who hates him, because you totally get it.

The asshole friend works essentially as the lead blocker for your group. Need someone to get unreasonably angry at the bouncer for not letting all of you in? To tell a girl point blank that she’s acting like an entitled twat? To get in a random dude’s face because he was talking shit about you? That’s the role of the asshole friend. He’s the Swiss army knife of rude social interactions. It can be calling someone out or just being the loud voice that gets something done, but he’s the guy you want to go to when there’s a problem and the solution requires a distinct lack of tact.

So how does it happen? How does someone who’s the asshole friend differentiate himself from your average, run-of-the-mill asshole? It starts with not giving a fuck about what other people think, but having some semblance of taking that wall down when he’s with his friends. An asshole friend tends to be the guy who will yell swears at complete strangers, but is perfectly willing to have a deep, meaningful conversation with you when the time calls for it. He might be prickly to everyone else, and he definitely makes a living off of giving you shit, but he’s also the kind of guy who knows when to quit being a dick and start being a friend. Usually, he started out as the friend of one guy, made friends with that guy’s larger group of friends, and then became the voluntary captain of the defense.

That’s not to say you’ll remain unscathed from the fire. The asshole friend is never afraid to call out the rest of you on your shit. Sure, you all give each other a hard time and hold everyone accountable for the stuff they do, but the asshole friend is particularly focused on making sure you keep your shit together. He’s also not afraid to call you out in public. Where someone else might pull you off to the side and tell you that you’re coming on a little strong with the girl you’re talking to at the bar and that she’s going to bail if you don’t pump the brakes, the asshole friend will just yell, “Quit being such a fucking creep, or you’re gonna scare the poor girl off!” from across the bar.

The asshole friend often gets a bad rap from the general public. You have to spend an inordinate amount of time either trying to explain to people why he’s actually a good person, or just giving up and apologizing for his actions. And sometimes an apology is necessary. The guy isn’t the most precise weapon of all time. There’s going to be some collateral damage to his actions. You can’t go around being brash and abrasive without accidentally being a dick to people who don’t actually deserve it. A lot of the time, your asshole friend is going to be completely in the wrong, and you’ll either have to fix his mistake or try to get him to say he’s sorry, which he inevitably won’t do.

The purpose of this isn’t to point out that the asshole friend exists, but to show him some appreciation. The guy takes on a lot of hate for you and your group so that you don’t have to. He’s like Jesus, except without the whole holiness, love, and kindness part. He’s asshole Jesus. So everyone buy a drink for your asshole friend and tell him you’re glad you have him around. He’ll probably call you a pussy and try to hit you in the dick, but he’ll secretly appreciate it. To all those assholes out there, thanks for having our backs, and try not to get us in too much trouble tonight.

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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