An Ode To The Fraternity Rivalry

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Nice Move

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Mankind has always had competition wired into our DNA since the dawn of our existence. Back in the day, if you threatened even the smallest aspects of my life, boom, you’re dead — no questions asked.

You made a pass at my girl at the local (literal) watering hole, I’d cave your dome in with an oversized tree branch. Your saber tooth tiger shit on the land I rightfully commandeered days prior, I’m grilling up some cat steaks for dinner. You sneezed one too many times in a minute span and I’ve already said “bless you” excessively, I light your face on this newly discovered thing called fire.

Much has changed since those prehistoric days, but we’re still the same savages deep down. Nowhere is this more adamantly clear than on Greek row where our tribal mentality and primitive instinct is still very much alive in the form of fraternity rivalries.

We’re all competing for the same rushees, sorority trim, intramural glory, and overall campus dominance, so fraternities already inherently aren’t fond of one another. However, that dislike for all other chapters combined is a drop in the bucket compared to the pure, unadulterated hatred you have for one particular fraternity — your rival.

Alpha Chi Gamma and Kappa Nu in Total Frat Movie are no different, as they have been bitter enemies for over one hundred years. When the Alphas are kicked off campus, Kappa Nu decides to give the ultimate fuck you and move on up into the Alpha’s glorious fraternity castle. Yeah fuckers, that’s called a seamless transition into a movie promotion, but I digress.

Sticking it to your rival doesn’t necessarily make your college experience. It’s a lot like that scoop of ice cream atop of a freshly cooked apple pie, making it all the more sweeter.

It just motivates your otherwise apathetic ass to one-up each other. They raised $50,000 for their charity? We’re pulling a page straight out of the Price is Right and raising $50,001 over here.

You know you hate someone when you pack the gym like a sardine can to watch intramural dodgeball. The game you played in elementary P.E. class becomes a bloodsport in a coliseum like environment. Grazing them on the arm or foot is not an option; you’re going for the motherfucking headshot. You don’t want to just beat them, you want to embarrass them to the point that five generations down their bloodline are still ashamed to be associated with such a boner of a great-great-great grandfather — and that sentiment is echoed right back at your house.

Pulling cheeky shenanigans on one another just becomes commonplace. If you don’t have numerous composites of theirs sitting around collecting dust in your closet, are they really even your rival? “What do you even do with the composites?” you may be asking. Burn it? No. You’ll do nothing. Why? Why would you even steal it if you weren’t going to do anything with it?

I ask upon you, fellow fraternity men, what would the Greek experience be without a house rival? Where does one find motivation to make up outlandish, 100% false stories about another chapter’s pledge process involving mousetraps and genitals in order to sway a rushee into signing at your house? How else would you know if your chapter was doing well if not for those assholes across the street who continually attempt to beat you? Whose chapter would you hit golfballs at from the roof of your own house?

We bring out the best and worst in each other. Mostly the worst and, in fact, very little of the best, but whatever. Sure, from the outside looking in, most of the shit we pull on our rivals is petty and fundamentally ridiculous, but I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t make college more enjoyable.

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