An Ode To The Girl Who Breaks Your Dry Spell, Otherwise Known As The Slumpbuster

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An Ode To the Slumpbuster

Let’s say it’s been a while. A while since what? You know what. Since you took a trip to the boneyard. Since you tossed your sausage down the flower hole. Since you got a floozy to uncook your spaghetti. Sex, people. We’re talking about sex. Fucking. It’s okay to admit it–this is a safe place. Okay fine, this is one of the most unsafe places ever, but we’ve all been there, so no shame. Sometimes you fall into what could be considered a slump, and in order to really break your way out of it, you just need a quick, easy option that clears out the tubes. I’m referring to going for a slumpbuster.

Most of you already know what I’m talking about, but for those of you who don’t, a slumpbuster is a person you sleep with who wouldn’t ordinarily live up to your sexual standards. Because you’re desperate? Partly. Sometimes it just comes down to the simple fact that you haven’t done the no pants dance in a while, and you’re fine with doing it with basically anyone. But more often, it’s more complex than that. Sometimes you need a little boost, just to get your mojo back. I can’t really put my finger on how it works, but just the act of having sex with one girl can lead to dozens of girls wanting to have sex with you. I don’t know if it’s mystical or biological, I just know it works.

Here’s what you do. Once you’ve identified that you’re in a slump, you need to immediately tell your friends. Chances are, they know of some girl who thinks you’re cute and will probably shimmy up your beanpole if you invite her to the next party. You also need to clue them in so they don’t mistakenly try to “save” you when they see you going upstairs with a girl of questionable pedigree. There is a very fine line between grenades and slumpbusters, and if your friends aren’t warned ahead of time, they may ruin the busting of your slump by trying to dive on what they perceive to be a dangerous situation. Following so far?

So how does this work? What are the rules? The first is simple: don’t be a dick. Just because you’re sleeping with someone you wouldn’t ordinarily go for, it doesn’t mean you get to be a douche about the whole thing. Slumpbusters are basically the romantic equivalent of pinto beans. No one wants pinto beans for dinner, but if that’s all that’s in the pantry, then you’re eating fucking pinto beans, and you will like them. Remember, everyone deserves to eventually meet someone who thinks they’re gourmet mac and cheese. One man’s slumpbuster is another man’s mother of his children. The stereotype is that slumpbusters are fat chicks, which is an oversimplification. In reality, I’ve noticed that slumpbusters are usually crazy girls. You know, the ones who everyone knows are trouble, and ordinarily, you wouldn’t make the mistake of sleeping with one of them? You’re committing to a few things by going down this road, and one of which is risking your emotional sanity. A barrage of late-night texts will be sent your way in the following weeks, and if you’re not careful, you’ll end up going back to the well after your slump has been busted. It’s a terrible idea, but no one will hold it against you, because everyone else has done it, too.

Here’s what’s hilarious, though. You could be someone’s slumpbuster, too. Oh, you’re too great of a catch for that to be true? Sure thing, pal. Think about it. Girls fall into slumps sometimes, too. Oh, right, any girl can get laid at any time if she really wants to? That’s not entirely true, but let’s follow that premise for a bit. Has a girl ever come on a little strong or basically laughed at every joke you made, and then left the next morning only to never speak to you again about it? You might’ve thought you were just “in the zone” that night, but let’s face it, you’re not that good-looking or funny. It almost seemed too easy. You busted her slump. Girls don’t have one-night stands with guys they’re into. If she actually liked you, she would have followed up, and even if she just wanted to make it a casual thing, she would have at least texted you back. If it was bangarang and see ya later, you were a slumpbuster, my friend.

The fact is, everyone needs to bust a slump every now and then. It’s not mean to have sex with someone you ordinarily wouldn’t consider having relations with for the sake of getting back into the groove of things, just like it isn’t shameful to bust someone’s slump. At the end of the day, both parties get laid, right? So let’s have a moment of appreciation for the girls we’ve slept with in the past who helped us nut out of our ruts. They might not have leading lady potential, but they’re heroes all the same. The next time you have to dip into the questionable pool and fuck your way out of a slump, do the gentlemanly thing and make sure she gets off, too. We’re assholes, not animals.

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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