An Ode To The Hawaiian Shirt

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What you wear really says a lot about you. People assume that a man dressed in an expensive suit is very important. People assume that a man dressed in cargo shorts is a geed. These are all observations we make in our day-to-day lives that allow us to figure out things about a person’s life without even talking to him. While different types of clothing can say a lot about a man, only one article of clothing says “I’m here to have a good time.” That, my friends, is the Hawaiian shirt.

Nobody knows for sure when the Hawaiian shirt was first invented. However, scholars maintain that it has been around for centuries. The first documented case of someone wearing a Hawaiian shirt dates back to 1687 when the drunken, British pirate, Sir Thomas Bahama, sported one while commandeering a ship full of rum, gold, and prim and proper–yet rather attractive–English ladies in the Caribbean. Since then, it has represented a certain “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, and it continues to do so to this day.

While multitudes have loved the Hawaiian shirt since its creation, there are also those who are vehemently opposed to its wear. These people, commonly known as nerds, just don’t have the right state of mind for the Hawaiian shirt. See, the man who wears a Hawaiian shirt is one who cares for the finer things in life. He’s a man who doesn’t need things like “society” or a “girlfriend” telling him when it’s appropriate to get drunk. He’s a man who’s just living on his own time.

Aside from what it stands for, the Hawaiian shirt is loved by millions because of its appearance and construction. Unlike other variations of the button down shirt, the Hawaiian does not have a straight-laced pattern, like stripes or gingham. The Hawaiian shirt’s trademark is its pattern. The patterns can range from the classic floral to a more unique, theme-based pattern. I personally own one with World War II aircraft on it with images of the USS Arizona Memorial in the background. It’s arguably the greatest Hawaiian shirt ever made.

The pattern isn’t all that’s great about the Hawaiian shirt, though. The material is incredible. I imagine it’s what heaven feels like. It’s smooth, it’s soft, and it’s breathable–these are all qualities you want and certainly need in a shirt designed for optimal rage capabilities. While this material makes the Hawaiian shirt more of a summertime shirt, some simple accessorizing can make it appropriate for year-round wear. Throw a blue blazer on top and now you’ve got a winterized variant to the classic Hawaiian shirt look. Hell, they even make some Christmas-themed Hawaiian shirts just for that reason.

If you aren’t sold by now on why the Hawaiian shirt is pretty much the greatest thing to happen in the last thousand years, there’s more to it. See, the Hawaiian shirt has one crucial feature that few other articles of clothing have: it was essentially designed for the man with a beer gut. I know it’s hard to imagine making a beer gut more attractive, but the Hawaiian shirt manages to do so. Don’t believe me? Just wear one to your next social function. You’ll have to fight to keep the ladies off you and your well-marbled gentleman’s paunch.

There are all sorts of clothing out there that a man can wear. From suits to polo shirts, each one says something different. If you want to stand out, show you’re a true gentleman, and reflect that you don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks, the Hawaiian shirt is for you. Wear one today. If not for yourself, do it for the ladies. Trust me, they’ll love it.

#YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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