An Ode To The In Shape, Out Of Shape Guy

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There’s something to be said for being in shape. I mean, it takes a lot of effort, especially in college. You have to work out, sleep well, eat right, and watch your alcohol intake. For most college students, that’s pretty much impossible. Some guys manage to do it, and my hat’s off to them. It takes a lot of discipline and dedication. However, you may have noticed a phenomenon on your campus or in your fraternity house. Though it’s not fully understood by the medical community, research is being done day and night to crack the code of the in shape, out of shape guy.

We all know at least one of these guys. They don’t work out, they don’t eat right, and they drink like a fish. Somehow, they manage to stay in shape. Of course, they don’t look it. They’re often pudgy, corpulent, rotund, or just plain fat. But don’t let their shape and body composition fool you. These men are athletes.

You may see them in the gym occasionally. They don’t frequent it, but maybe they’ll go twice a semester or right after the new year starts. They’ve put in virtually no work, but somehow, they’re able to lift incredible amounts. It’s not a miracle, it’s a mystery.

Of course, there’s also the intramural champion. He hasn’t done cardio since middle school, hasn’t done any weightlifting other than 12-ounce curls, and he may not even own athletic clothing, but the man can play some ball. On the football field, he’s ridiculously fast. He can juke opponents, chase down a receiver, and run the ball from one end of the field to the other with ease. On the basketball court, he has the endurance to go up and down the court, over and over again. Despite being what society might call “overweight,” this man somehow destroys the competition.

All this aside, there’s one area where the in shape, out of shape guy excels: drunken athleticism. He and beer are like Popeye and spinach. People always say, “I’m better when I’m drunk,” but the in shape, out of shape guy truly is. In fact, he may drink before any athletic event just to make sure he can perform. When he’s drinking socially, he’s in his prime. While others consider drinking to be purely a social activity, it’s the in shape, out of shape guy’s sport. He’s not just good at it, he’s great at it. When it comes down to feats of strength, agility, and endurance, alcohol gives the in shape, out of shape guy the abilities of an Olympic athlete.

With a little booze in him, the in shape, out of shape guy can outrun a cop with the speed of a world-class sprinter, jump over a fence or a wall to avoid being caught stealing composites, or fight hand-to-hand like the Olympic pugilists of old. Basically, the in shape, out of shape guy is a fucking legend and a force to be reckoned with.

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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