An Ode To The Over The Pants Hand Job

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Nice Move

An Ode To The OTPHJ

It’s Friday night and you’re at the bar hitting on every piece of strange that walks by. Even though you’re whiffing repeatedly like you’ve never swung a bat before, you don’t give up. Your feverish attempts to pull something do not go for naught as you finally catch the eye of a nice-looking lady whose father forgot about her as a child. Jackpot. While the conversation heats up, she makes an aggressive motion and places her hand on your junk and begins to give you something that is generally frowned upon in public: an over the pants hand job (OTPHJ).

I’ve spent a weird amount of time thinking about how great the OTPHJ is as of late, and I decided that it’s time it gets the respect it deserves after receiving one from a bridesmaid at my buddy’s wedding this past weekend. Too many men out there knock this move. They’ll call it pedestrian, or they’ll ask, “What is this? Middle school?” like they were getting any in middle school anyway. Don’t listen to them, because those are people you need to remove from your life. I don’t make the rules — that’s just how it is.

The OTPHJ used to be a big hit back in the day. It was all the rage to boast about getting one. It has fallen by the wayside a bit, which led to the rise of its distant cousin: the dry hump and grinding boner. While as good as this move is, it should not overshadow the real hero here. In my family, not sharing the spotlight would get you kicked out, or at least not invited for Christmas. It’s now making its rightful return to the spotlight, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s like that proud moment when your son hits his first home run.

The OTPHJ is something that can be done anywhere and at any time. The girl is a ninja, and your dick is her sword to play with at will. Feeling like you need to get your rocks off while drinking a whiskey on the rocks? Done. Stressed over having dinner with her parents? Not anymore. Worried about the mess going everywhere? Worry no more about your yogurt being slung around for it to land only God knows where. We’ve all been there, when your girl for the night goes down on you only to have your member spit his fluids everywhere else that isn’t her mouth, her tits, or back. It’s a mess, and now you have to replace the sheets before you can even think about sleeping.

As far as sexual acts go, the OTPHJ is probably the least great feeling. It’s like the Little Caesars of sexual contact: pretty terrible (relatively speaking), but still pretty good overall because she’s hot, and you’re ready. Given its impromptu nature, it is difficult to adequately prepare yourself to receive an OTPHJ, but there are some things you can do to maximize your chances of having a pleasurable experience. Wear comfortable boxers or boxer briefs. If you’re going to a party or to the bars and know that there are going to be a bunch of loose women running amuck, throw on your most comfortable pair of undies. My preference is anything with moisture wicking properties. It helps to reduce the friction. Also, jeans are not very conducive to these things. You want to be in shorts or slacks — the less crotch constriction, the better.

Another great thing about the OTPHJ is that you can argue it is not cheating. Hear me out here, guys. The girl in question is simply rubbing your pants. Skin does not touch skin. Therefore, you have an argument that would hold up in court. You will win this argument ten times out of ten. Once again, I don’t make the rules.

The OTPHJ is really underrated. Yes, it is basically the least amount of sexual contact you can make with another person. But to me, it’s not about what is happening in the now, it is what the OTPHJ is leading to in the future. If you are in a bar and a girl is rubbing your dick with her hand, you are almost certainly going to be rubbing that between one or both of her sets of lips later that night. It is that anticipation that makes the OTPHJ so great.

So next time you find yourself getting a little rub over your jeans, embrace it, make it yours, and enjoy yourself.

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