An Open Letter to Kanye West
What’s up ‘ye?
I know some people don’t understand you, but I totally do, mainly because I’m a total narcissist…but with great reason, because I’m amazing. I can’t say I necessarily love your new girlfriend, the sex tape star/former Mrs. Damon Thomas/former Mrs. Kris Humphries, but I do LOVE the two of you together, mainly because her style (especially her airport fashion) has become so much more chic since you’ve started picking out her outfits for her. That’s love. I respect it.
Anyway, I’m not holler-ing at you because of your love life.
In case you’ve been too busy producing amazing music/fighting with paparazzi photographers/designing fashion/giving rude interviews/campaigning for Democratic politicians, or whatever it is you do, and forgot what this week is, I would like to remind you. Thursday is the MTV VMA Awards. Are you familiar with that little show. If you’re unclear, it’s one in the same with the show you once put Taylor Swift in her place at two years ago. Remember? She won some award for making a music video about being desperate for her neighbor to like her, and you cut her off and countered that Beyonce’s Fosse-inspired “Single Ladies” video was one of the best videos of all time…which it was, duh. Long live Queen B and her gay club anthems. Anyway, everyone was really rude to you after that all went down, but I’ve stuck by your side through it all. Kanye, I’ve always been a huge fan. I went through a period of my life, let’s call it “Sigma Chi Derby Days 2008,” where I legiterally listened to your songs on iTunes for an entire week straight while pre-gaming. I know. This is deep.
Anyway, the reason I’m writing this is because I think you need to seek serious redemption at the gangly, rat-faced, frizzy-haired “natural blonde” songwriter/”singer” some call “Taylor Swift.” The year after you put her in her place, she wrote some awful ballad called “Innocent,” which everyone just assumed was directed at you. Like seriously, she had a year and she couldn’t get over it? I’m sure it wasn’t the first time in her life she was embarrassed. Whatever, I hate her and I told her so last week.
I think that you should embarrass her even further this year, mainly because I woke up this morning at noon, climbed out of the mountain of pillows on my super comfortable bed, and saw her new video had premiered. I had to mute it to watch the video and play a more reasonable soundtrack while watching, but I still had to witness her parading around a screen, dressed like a hipster (shudder), dancing with people in animal costumes. I think I’m mentally scarred for life because of this. And I want revenge.
Seriously. What the fuck was that?
All You Have to do is:
1. Show up at the VMA’s.
2. Screw sobriety. Get wasted again. Everyone is way more fun before they get sober anyway.
3. Figure out a way to mess up the sound system during her stupid performance.
4. Spill some liquor on her teacher clothes/”outfit.”
5. Carry a large poster that has a picture of her and a picture of a rat on it and see if anyone can tell the difference while you’re on the red carpet.
6. Whatever she does, remind her that her Grammy’s and awards are not real people, and she still has no friends.
7. Team up with McKayla Maroney (who is also presenting an award), and make sure she is fully aware that McKayla is NOT impressed with her.
8. Just trump whatever it was you did two years ago that made people so mad at you/made me like you so much more.
If you can, tell that girlfriend of yours to stay home. I’m sure there’s something sparkly you can distract her with for a few hours?
And be sure to follow my live coverage of the VMA’s/Destruction of Taylor “Rat Face” Swift on Twitter.
Keep it real, homie.