An Open Letter to Khloe Kardashian
- Image via Associated Press
I’ve heard congratulations are in order! Possibly, but I really hope the rumors are true. I actually, for once, am not being sarcastic when I say I am truly ecstatic for you and your husband on the fantastic news about your potential pregnancy. You have been trying for over three years to conceive a little Kardashian/Odom hybrid fetus, and I’m so glad your dreams of motherhood are finally allegedly coming true.
Listen Khlo, there was once a time when you were my favorite Kardashian sister. This was before Kourtney, like, existed, but still, your time spent as my #1 Armenian-American sensation has not been forgotten. I actually think you’re a funny individual, and I always appreciate a girl with a sense of humor. I mostly love the fact that you’ve always been able to serve your older sister, Kim, with a cold, hard dose of reality whenever you deemed it to be necessary. I think it’s commendable that you’ve taken your brother Rob, the obvious disappointment of the Kardashian clan, into your home and allowed him to design socks and wear flat-brim hats under your roof. You’ve already proven to America you’re fit to be a mother, because you have the patience of a saint. If the extent of my younger brother’s ambition was an appearance on Dancing With the
D-List Stars and commissioning argyle footwear, I would probably kick him out and disown him until further notice. In a true display of compassion, patience, and love, only found in a good older sister, or a mother, you have stood by Rob throughout all of his stupid endeavors.
I really do believe you’ll be a good mother. Not only have you put your wild days behind you (hello, nip slips and DUIs), but you’ve served as the voice of reason for your entire family on basically every episode, of every season that America has kept up with your family. I also commend you for proving it’s really NOT THAT HARD to start a family in the socially correct order, a concept your two older sisters can’t seem to grasp (sorry Kourt, still love you). You got married, bought a mansion, got your shit together, and then you started a family. You’re really doing a good job at showing Kim up, as she has two failed marriages under her belt, and was knocked up by a man who is not her current husband. You’re even tarnishing the silver reputation of Kourtney, who is still unwed (for reasons I’ll never understand) to my dream man, and father of Mason and Penelope, Scott Disick. Good for you. I think it’s finally your time to be in the spotlight. You deserve the spotlight. I mean, think about all the weight you’ve lost. Everyone got all excited about it, but then Kim did something slutty to take the attention away from you. Bitch. You deserve this pregnancy.
I know you and Kim are so excited to be pregnant at the same time, but trust me, Kim isn’t genuine in her happiness for you. It’s clear that anything your immediate older sister does is for publicity, and I’ve already told her she’s not ready to tackle motherhood. I know that if this pregnancy is real, you and Kim are planning on chronicling your side-by-side pregnancies on E!, but listen to me, and listen well, Khloe. DO NOT LET KIM TAKE YOUR MOMENT AWAY FROM YOU.
Not only will you totally not even have to go shopping for maternity clothes (provided you haven’t thrown away anything from your old wardrobe), but there’s no way you’ll look as obviously fat and pregnant as Kim, because you’re about half a foot taller than she is, at least. I’m sure, for the first time in forever, Kim will be super jealous of you, and you need to take advantage of that for as long as you possibly can. I also think, if you are pregnant, you need to focus on getting really fat again. Like, just go to town with your pregnancy cravings. I know Kourtney’s thing was staying adorable while she was housing a fetus, and then getting back to her petite frame by eating healthy. I feel like Kim’s thing will be showing off her baby bump incessantly, and then Instagramming her post-baby weight loss progress day by annoying day. Your pregnant thing should be to get Jessica Simpson-fat, and then get a deal with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. I’m sure either one of the two weight loss moguls would be glad to have you. That way, you’ll actually get paid to lose the baby weight, provided you don’t mess up the entire thing by getting knocked up again, a la J. Simp.
Khloe, I really feel as if this alleged pregnancy is long overdue for you and your husband. I’m not worried about the state of your relationship, because after 3 years of marriage, it looks as if your union to the NBA player is pretty solid. I also think it’s finally time for you to take the spotlight away from your annoying sister, Kim. I only have two requests. The first is that you don’t give your kid some stupid, awful name, and the second, and I think I speak for everyone on this one, STOP USING THE BABY VOICE. I know you think it’s a cute way to talk to your husband, but trust me, your child will have a speech impediment if it continues to hear its mother imitate the vocals of Helen Keller while it’s in utero. Other than that, I think you’re good to go.
Tell Kim I’m sorry I can’t make it to her baby shower, but that’s mostly because I haven’t found a book called “How to Tell Your Child About Your Sex Tape,” which is the only gift I really find appropriate for Kimmy. In any event, I’d be thrilled to celebrate the birth of your firstborn child, who will probably be freakishly tall and kind of weird-looking, but that’s not what’s important right now.
What’s really important, Khlo Khlo, is that you might finally have your chance to steal Kim’s spotlight. Oh, and the fact that you’re possibly bringing a child into the world. I guess that’s cool too.