An Open Letter to Rihanna
I need to start this letter by informing you of my incessant, relentless distaste for you. I’ve never fully been able to get behind you as an artist, mainly because I don’t get you. Like, who are you, really? Are you someone singing club beats for the gays? Are you some psycho who will say anything to get a reaction out of people? Are you just a lost little soul who doesn’t realize that your stupid tattoos are permanent? I think you’re a mix of all three, but nobody can be sure. The only thing that is certain, I’m afraid, is that you’re an absolute idiot.
I don’t know how well you remember 2009, but it wasn’t the best year for anyone. Pretty girls had nose rings, ripped jeans were still a thing, and Chris Brown beat the hell out of you in a fit of rage. Stuff happened. Anyway, after the whole domestic battery incident, you went into hiding for a little while, then re-emerged as a champion for women who were in abusive relationships. You conveyed the image that you were a strong woman who would not take bullshit from anyone.
Fast forward to now, and you’re back with him.
Are you kidding me? I hate you for this. Domestic abuse is nothing to be taken lightly, and you’re supposed to be a role model for girls everywhere. I can’t fathom why you think getting back with this moron is a good idea. He’s obviously a violent jackass. Not only did he flip the fuck out and bash your head into a steering wheel, but he’s in trouble for being a homophobe (re: I can’t even deal) and getting into it with the oh-so adorable Frank Ocean. To add insult to injury (literally), he’s currently in court for lying about completing his required community service, a sentence given to him for assaulting you…and you’re accompanying him to court.
I actually think you might need to be institutionalized, because there is no excuse for your stupid, senseless behavior. There’s nothing cute about having a relationship so dramatic it merits media coverage. All this proves is that both of you are immature, unstable, and clearly not ready to be in any type of relationship. Even though I think you’re a try-hard with dumb tattoos, terrible haircuts, and even worse fashion choices, I think you should have enough self-esteem to know Chris Brown is not worth a second look. I’m not going to hammer statistics into you, as I’m sure numbers are a very intimidating concept to you, but it’s this simple: if he’s hit you once, he’ll do it again. I don’t know how anyone could have so little self-respect that she willingly, knowingly puts herself back in an abusive situation. I once hated myself for thinking I could change a guy who wore mis-matched socks. I would never be so stupid to think I could change someone who clearly has a mountain of his own issues to work out. Do you even have any friends at this point? You’ve become the absolute worst possible version of the girl who gets drunk and cries over her ex only to leave the party and have a pledge drive her over to his house. Except, in this scenario, he’s not just emotionally distant and immature, he’s abusive. So, there’s that.
Listen, RiRi, it’s pretty obvious you’re a needy, codependent psycho who just loves love and can’t be alone. If you MUST be in a relationship, I’ve compiled a list of guys you could date instead of Chris Brown:
1. Bruno Mars
I’m not sure if he’s straight or not, but you might need a gay bff anyway.
2. Dayo Okeniyi
He was in the Hunger Games. That’s pretty much it.
3. Kid Cudi
This might work if you’re into the whole “rapper” thing.
4. A$AP Rocky
He’s like, a thing now, or something.
5. Colin Kaepernick
He’s ambiguously hot, but so are you.
6. Mel Gibson
You’re into angry and evil, and I bet he’s down.
7. Charlie Sheen
He passed on Lindsay Lohan, so he has some form of standards, but I think you’d make the cut.
You should run away, find an Ashram, do a cleanse, and get your shit together. Maybe a year off in India will do you some good. Who knows, you might re-emerge 15 pounds thinner, full of mental clarity, and make a good song again, seeing as Disturbia was the best contribution you’ve ever made to the world.
Oh, PS, just so you know, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown already happened. Get your shit together.
- Image via Associated Press