An Open Letter to Selena Gomez
I’m so sorry for your recent break up with Justin Bieber. I know it probably seems as if this is the lowest point in your little life, but trust me, it’s actually a great thing. Maybe I don’t understand the magnitude of this because I still can’t tell the difference between him and Rachel Maddow, but still, you’re going to be fine.
I totally understand why you went psycho on him for hanging out with a Victoria’s Secret model before you two broke up. I would have slashed the tires on every vehicle he owned, threatened him with some piece of questionably existent blackmail, and threatened to tell his mother about his coke problem just in time for him to miss the Spring Break trip to Acapulco. Theoretically. While all of these revenge methods are actually quite effective, I’m sure they would have little impact on someone who’s been an international sensation since he was like, 14. Instead, you chose a much more passive aggressive course of action: you tweeted about the entire scenario.
Look, ‘Lena, I’m all for girls being crazy. I wrote the book on crazy (speaking of books, make sure you pre-order your copy of the TFM Book. Get a hard copy, and one for your Kindle, and one for your iPad). However, you need to look sane enough that any of Justin’s attempts to call you crazy seem unfounded and desperate. Do you see what I’m trying to say? Don’t put yourself in the position to look desperate and damaged. You need to be strong here. This is the first breakup of your young Hollywood life, and you need to come out on top. Do not let this weird, little, tattooed man-boy get the best of you and come out victorious from this breakup. You can get your life together.
Here’s What to Do:
1. Start going out. Like, really start going out, a la Lindsay Lohan in 2006. You are an ex-Disney child star. It’s basically a rite of passage in Hollywood for you to be photographed in a club doing something illegal and then deal with the fallout.
2. Decide that your singing/acting/whatever it is you “do” career isn’t really working out, and run away to Paris for a year to develop your fashion line. Paris is my favorite place to have a series of nervous breakdowns, and you’ll lose like 25 lbs in the process because the French basically don’t eat. Also, you’ll have plenty of inspiration for whichever type of clothes you’re trying to design.
3. Develop a clothing line that buyers actually WANT, not some mass-produced line sold at Wal Mart (I’m looking at you Ms. Cyrus).
4. Try to become the face for Dior. Natalie Portman had to get all PC about John Galliano, but I’m sure you two could work something out. Besides, I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted to send me a few bottles of j’adore. I’m running low.
5. Transform yourself into the ultimate socialite/party girl. Pretend Tinsley Mortimer is your mother, essentially. Or Lisa van der Pump. Either works. Become some untouchable, mysterious “it” girl throughout LA/NYC. That way, you could show up at parties and premiers and never actually have to explain why you were there.
Here’s Who to Date (In this Order):
1. Taylor Lautner: I feel like he had his moment, and you should let him penetrate you before it’s over.
2. Wilmer Valderrama: Mostly just because everyone before you has dated him. It can be brief, but it will be glorious, or something.
3. Darren Criss: He has that whole “Glee” scenario happening, and you two would work, aesthetically.
4. Leonardo di Caprio: He just broke up with his girlfriend, and apparently he’s into younger girls, so, go for it.
5. Liam Hemsworth: I’m 99% positive he and Miley will never make it to the alter. Plus, he’s hot, and he’s Australian, so I see nothing wrong with having sex with him.
6. Zac Efron: This needs to be your next “serious” relationship. Let’s face it, Justin will probably hook up with a string of groupies/14 year old girls for the next few years until he renders himself obsolete, and you’ll be too busy dating the 2nd hottest guy in Hollywood to even notice/care. That, my friend, is the definition of WINNING.
Good luck, and let me know how it works. I’m free next week if you want to day drink at the Chateau Marmont.