And the pussification of America marches shamelessly onward.
From October 1st to October 8th of this year the University of Alabama suspended all fraternity pledgeships on campus as a way to help the pledges focus on midterms and allow them to be well rested for the upcoming fall break. At least that was the official reason, and though it was partially bullshit, it does make sense. After all, studying for an exam is pretty difficult for a pledge when some fifth year nicknamed “The Load” keeps taking shits in the pledge’s backpack because he was brought Burger King breakfast instead of McDonald’s the Friday morning prior.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Load! Holster that deuce! I know you wanted a McGriddle, and we’re all very upset about his mistake, but pledgeship’s been suspended. Let the boy study.”
Though scholarship and rest were what the University of Alabama claimed inspired the school wide suspension of pledgeship, a suspension that UA Dean of Students Tim Hebson says will now occur every year before midterms, Hebson also previously admitted that several hazing allegations brought on the suspension as well. Those allegations included a personal injury lawsuit filed against Alabama halfback and Sigma Chi Kelly Johnson regarding a 2010 hazing incident at Johnson’s apartment. The suit claims that a Sigma Chi pledge was beaten by Johnson and suffered a concussion and post traumatic stress disorder, or in layman’s terms, the pledge got Saban’d. Hazing rolls down hill, and God help you if at the very top of that hill is Nick Saban, sitting on his flaming throne of concussed skulls, raining down sulfur and rage, all while wearing his signature straw hat crown of evil.
Yesterday University of Alabama student newspaper The Crimson White reported that another potential contributing factor to the suspension was an anonymous email claiming to be on behalf of “fraternity and sorority pledges at The University of Alabama,” which was sent to a number of prominent UA officials, including Hebson. The email was sent from the address email@example.com and was signed by “Concerned Parents of Freshman Students.” By concerned parents I assume they just mean mothers.
In the email, the concerned parent(s) stated the following:
We represent a group of freshman men and women that are the subject of physical hazing, sleep deprivation and excessive alcohol consumption that is occurring under your stewardship of the program. The time requirement of these young men and women at the houses is too much and contributes to the aforementioned abuses that are occurring.
I would like to remind you that in our country and world today, it takes very little for something to go ‘viral,’ and the greek situation is close to explosion at UA. We are writing you because we wish for our children to be successful and stay at UA without enduring the current ‘insanity’ of greek life pledgeship.
First off, both “I” and “we” are used, so which one is it? With letters like these it’s often safer to assume “I,” because whiny, threatening, preachy letters of complaint like these are generally written by an overbearing mother with a lot of downtime and a hilariously undeserved sense of duty.
“Well it seems like my son is having a hard time, so it’s probably safe to assume that everyone’s sons are having a hard time.”
Good call anonymous author. You’re probably doing these other parents a favor by speaking for them. Hell they’ll probably thank you. Everyone always appreciates being spoken for, especially when they didn’t ask you to do it. You’re so intuitive! But I bet you knew that and listed it in the “About Me” section of your Facebook account that you use to snoop on your kids and their friends. I know that’s all one big assumption, but doesn’t it feel right?
Really though, this letter is the ultimate type of bullshit. It might was well read:
I am new to your organization and your traditions. After two months I am unhappy with everything. Please immediately change what I don’t like, which again is everything, and do so without discussion or planning, because my opinion should be enough anyway. Do this as quickly as possible or I will do my best to shame and ruin you.
All the Best,
Someone Who Needs a Hobby”
Some of the absolute unintentionally funniest people in the world are the ones who vaguely try to threaten people with the internet. Granted I’m sort of a hypocrite in that regard, because I may or may not have done the same the other day on Facebook, five glasses of whiskey deep, while watching the Braves-Cardinals game…
…but at least I can back it up, and that threat was far from vague. I was going to ask you all to bombard any shit talker’s phone with scrotum pics. I didn’t get any texts, by the way, so thank you to the readership of TFM for being such terrible people that even drunk, prideful Cardinals fans fear you.
Regardless, whoever sent this email threatening to go viral with, um, something, though it’s hard to say what because there are no specific incidents actually mentioned in it at any point, is hilarious because it’s so very clear that they probably have no idea how to make anything go viral.
“What do I do again, Martha? Put a blog post onto YouTube so that it will be a viral video like that homosexual Kim Jong-Il dance tape? And then what? Will the news reporters just Google it?”
Thankfully it would seem that reason, and of course Master of Darkness Nick Saban, reign supreme at the University of Alabama, because according to Hebson the anonymous email had nothing to do with the suspension of pledgeship.
“That letter had absolutely zero bearing at all,” Hebson said. “That letter doesn’t mention any specific high-risk behavior that would make us say that we have to suspend pledgeship because of behavior issues.”
“You can’t respond to anonymous letters. It could be written by anyone. If I acted on every time I got a letter based on false information, I would be acting all the time. We only act on what’s factual.”
That’s nice talk for “we don’t entertain the ramblings of crazy bitches.” Hebson went on to say that he was very happy with the state of Greek Life at the University of Alabama.
“I feel really, really good about where we are,” Hebson concluded. “The University is moving in a very positive direction.”
Hey, Tim Hebson, I like you. And to overly concerned, overbearing parents everywhere may I just say, for probably the thousandth time, either let your kids make their own choices or tell them not to go Greek. The system works for the majority of its members. If it isn’t working for your kid then there isn’t something wrong with the system, there’s something wrong with them. Not wrong wrong, just wrong as in it doesn’t work for them. Is that fair? I’m sorry that this reasoning will give you less to complain about, but I promise you can still write angry emails to Nabisco about the two broken fudge cookies that you found in your most recently purchased package.