Moms worry. It’s what they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing sports, driving on long road trips or dating that new chick she’s still unsure of, she is always worried something bad will happen to you. It’s on page 1 in the Mom Guide. It’s her nature, and it’s because she loves you. This becomes exponentially truer when you leave her nest for college.
She has to keep in touch with you.
Subject: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 9:32 AM
Hi my sweet boy. It’s Mom again. I’m broken, just as it seems you are. It’s like we share the same heart, and our heart is in a million pieces. The pain you feel, I feel. When you’re sad, I’m sad. When your mean frat bros haze you, they haze me (hazing is illegal by the way – I looked it up). I don’t even know how to handle this anymore.
The last email I got from you was so very disturbing. I’m still shaken up from it. The things they are making you do and say is shameful on their behalf. Have they no souls? Have they no compassion? How do they sleep at night knowing the damage they cause? Do their mothers know how they are behaving?
Actually, that’s it! Carl, please send me a list of their mothers’ names! I’m going to call each and every one of them to explain the situation and put a stop to this. If anyone will understand, it’s a MOM!!!
Be strong for me.
P.S. Should I send you your favorite cookies to cheer you up?! Oh, and Baxter says ROOF!
Subject: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 1:20 PM
Mom, are you insane?! Call their mothers? Do you have any idea what they will do to me if they find out you called their moms?
Look, I’ll survive. These next few weeks are gonna be the worst of my life, but I will get through them. The actives can’t literally kill me. Just DO NOT start calling their parents.
Subject: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 1:21 PM
And yes, cookies would be nice. Just ship them to my dorm. I’ll pick them up at the front desk. Thanks.
Subject: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 1:49 PM
I’ll send peanut butter cookies! Your favorite!
And Carl, please lose the sass, mister! Of course I’m not insane. I’m just willing to do anything to end your suffering. ANYTHING! Moms have big hearts (like the one we share), and they would not like to hear what their boys are up to in college. But fine, I won’t call them if it’s going to upset you.
Oh, one more thing. I don’t have your dormitory’s address anywhere. Can you give it to me? Thanks!
– Your loving mother!
P.S. Baxter is going to help me bake your cookies.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 3:05 PM
Can’t you just Google the name of my dorm? I don’t know the address off hand.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 3:12 PM
No sweat! I’ll ship them as soon as I’m finished baking. I wish you could enjoy them while they are still warm :-(, but they’ll still be delicious! Bax and I are going to the store now to pick up the ingredients.
One last thing…meet any pretty girls lately? I know you’re gonna have your fun with them, but you gotta be careful. College girls can be a little wild!
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 4:57 PM
Um, no. I haven’t met any new girls lately, not even any ugly ones. I don’t have any damn free time. Cousin Cindy goes here, of course. She’s ugly as hell. I already knew her, though.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 7:10 PM
Whoa whoa whoa, Carl! Watch your tone! Cindy loves you! That’s just so rude and not the Carl I know. I hate what this frat has done to you. You’re just not the same person your father and I dropped off at your dorm in August. I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over.
You and Cindy used to be so close when you were kids. What happened? I don’t understand why you’d say such a mean thing about your sweet cousin. You know she has a hard time making friends at your college. And she’s still upset that the sororities didn’t want her. Poor thing. You should invite her to hang out with those frat friends of yours. That’d be real nice, Carl.
Anyway, Baxter and I just shipped off your cookies!!! They will certainly cheer you up. Made with extra love! Oh, and I couldn’t remember the name of your dorm, so I just sent them to the frat house with “Attention: Carl” on the shipping label. I hope they find you okay!
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 20, 2013 11:22 PM
Wait, you did what?!?!
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 21, 2013 8:55 AM
Yep, I mailed them to the frat house. Left you a sweet note inside, too!
P.S. Baxter also left you a few words of encouragement. 🙂
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 21, 2013 10:30 AM
Do you realize what you’ve done? I am so fucking fucked. Fuck me.
P.S. Fuck Baxter.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Heart
Date: March 21, 2013 10:32 AM
You’re a monster, Carl.