Another Email Exchange Between A Broken Pledge And His Concerned Mother

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Nice Move

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Moms worry. It’s what they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing sports, driving on long road trips or dating that new girl she’s still unsure of–she is always worried something bad will happen to you. It’s on page 1 in the Mom Guide. It’s her nature, and it’s because she loves you. This becomes exponentially truer when you leave her nest for college.

She has to keep in touch with you.

Catch up on parts one, two, three, four, five and six of the email exchange if you missed them.

___

From: Mom
Subject: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 9:02 AM
To: Carl

Hello, Carl. Mom here.

The last conversation we shared brought me to a dark place. You lost your temper with me again. It’s a recurring theme now, Carl. This semester with your frat friends and that frat house has been really difficult on your mom. You left our house a sweet boy with a great head on his shoulders. The frat changed you. You’re not yourself. I know you tell me it’s just the pledging and it’s temporary, but I’m starting to wonder if my Carl will ever fully return to me.

Your dad doesn’t seem concerned about you. He sleeps the day away and when I bring up the topic of your frat, he acts like I’m being a crazy, overbearing mother. So I’m turning back to you. I need us to talk this out. I need a friend. I miss you. I miss my sweet Carl.

Love you bunches, always and forever.

– Mom

P.S. I bet you’re secretly happy that your frat didn’t roast Baxter. We know you love him. It will be our little secret.

P.P.S. Baxter loves you bunches too. 🙂

___

From: Carl
Subject: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 11:44 AM
To: Mom

Look mom, you need to chill. I’m just here doing my thing and living the college life. Everybody knows I don’t fucks with Bax like that. You know how I do.

Ya boy

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From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 11:49 AM
To: Carl

Ya boy? What does even mean? Is this some sort of frat lingo that I’m not hip to? Carl, what is the matter with you?! I’m on the verge of tears again. This is not my CARL!!!! Talk to me. Talk to your mom.

– Your terrified mother

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From: Carl
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 1:10 PM
To: Mom

Haha you’re freaking out over nothing. Today’s a good day. Me and the boys are about to head out and float the river and shit. The actives are treating us after a tough week. It’s all good, mom.

You know my roommate Phil? His sister is in town and she brought her girlfriends with her. They’re hanging out with us right now and we’re getting ready to leave and go to the river. Anyway, mom get this, one of them has the biggest goddamn titties I’ve ever seen whhoooooooooo!! (.)(.)

Carl out.

___

From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 1:21 PM
To: Carl

Are you drunk, Carl?

– Mom

___

From: Carl
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 1:55 PM
To: Mom

Very. Gonna see if this girl will pop a titty out for ya boy.

___

From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 1:59 PM
To: Carl

YOU’RE ONLY 18 YEARS OLD, CARL!!! Drinking is illegal! Oh God, what did I do to deserve this? What is happening to my son? Why is he revolting and getting into hard alcohol?

Carl, I know that the alcohol is affecting your judgement, but listen to your mom. I’m here for you. Please don’t make any stupid decisions that could change your life. Please, Carl. My sweet, sweet boy. That frat is messing your mind up. This isn’t you.

Please get back to me and let me know you’re okay. Please Carl. We will get through this. I love you.

– Your worried but loving Mom

P.S. I know you were going to experiment with alcohol in college, but not so soon. I still love you.

P.P.S. Bax is concerned.

___

From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 6, 2013 10:22 PM
To: Carl

Carl?

___

From: Carl
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 7, 2013 10:01 AM
To: Mom

It turns out the actives weren’t done hazing us. We didn’t even go to the river. It was not intended to be a fun outing at all. They took us out to some remote location, probably someone’s ranch (I don’t even know where we were), and hazed us until we all cried. And I mean that very literally. They even said to us, “We’re not going home until all of you cry.” It took about 7 hours, but we all cried. I was the second one to cry.

I’m ready to come home. I’m done. They got me.

– Carl

___

From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 7, 2013 10:17 AM
To: Carl

Okay, baby. Come home to mom. I’ll take care of you. I’m so sorry those frat guys ruined your fun trip to the river.

P.S. I think your father is having an affair.

___

From: Carl
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 7, 2013 10:20 AM
To: Mom

Okay, I’ll drive to see you soon. Wait, what?

___

From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 7, 2013 10:21 AM
To: Carl

Me and Bax need you right now.

– Mom

___

From: Carl
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 7, 2013 10:23 AM
To: Mom

I want to drown Baxter in the river I didn’t get to float on today.

___

From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Missing My Sweet Carl
Date: April 7, 2013 10:24 AM
To: Carl

You’re a monster, Carl.

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