Apparently There’s A Creepy Amish Family Trying To Kidnap Mizzou Girls In The Woods Of Columbia

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Nice Move

This is easily the scariest thing I’ve read all week, and I’ve been sorting through this website’s filtered comments. Scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed on a rather slow news day, I stumbled across this INSANE post from the Facebook page Mizzou Secret Admirers. There’s really no way to preface it other than saying it might be the creepiest thing I’ve ever read.

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For those unfamiliar with Columbia, there is an entrance to the MKT trail right next to Mizzou’s campus, at Providence and Stewart Roads, though it’s unclear if that’s exactly where this incident occurred. It’s a popular place to run, bike, and now apparently to kidnap. Pretty sure there’s a horror film unfolding in mid-Missouri right now. This sucks, Missouri never gets the cool horror film murderers like Patrick Bateman. It’s always some The Hills Have Eyes, or Texas Chainsaw Massacre band of lurking inbreds. At least Bateman wines and dines you at Dorsia before chopping you to pieces. All this family is going to do is read you Bible verses while you’re chained to a wheat thresher in a dilapidated barn.

Of course the most terrifying thing about this is that two little girls are sent out to lure victims into the woods. “Come play with us,” they say with detached voices and glazed eyes, probably. Fuck. That.

On the bright side, if these Mizzou girls who are being stalked are anything like me, then they’re getting a great workout, because an encounter like that would have me sprinting for the next 12 miles. Hopefully I’d be well hydrated, because I will be running through tears. Also, if that actually happened to me, I wouldn’t be calling the police, I’d set the woods on fire. You have to go scorched Earth on something as fucked up as this.

So if you’re in Columbia, MO, I recommend staying away from the MKT trail, basically forever. That place is never safe again.

[via Facebook]

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