Are Scientology Spies Already Following Katie Holmes?

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Nice Move

The answer is yes. Well, I’m assuming the answer is yes. Scientology has a long and sordid history of being huge, sometimes even dangerous, creeps to people who left the “church” or people Scientology perceives as enemies. Considering the fact that Katie Holmes just divorced their demigod and is seeking full legal custody of her and Tom Cruise’s child Suri, i.e. Scientology’s future messiah, it’s all but certain that they’ve got a team of brainwashed whack jobs following her every move.

According to the Telegraph several men have been outside of Holmes’ new home.

“…mysterious men were seen monitoring the street outside her home. The actress asked aides to take photographs of the alleged spies.”

The joke’s on you Katie, the spies were probably wearing their invisibility jackets so that they’d be impervious to photographs and security cameras! I’m not actually sure if Scientologists believe in that but… yeah they probably believe that they have invisibility jackets.

If I was Katie Holmes I’d get the fuck out of Dodge. Go take a long vacay. Scientologists DO NOT mess around. Anyone willing to believe that melted alien souls are trapped inside their body is probably also crazy enough to harm you and your loved ones for the sake of their deceased science fiction writer. Take your daughter to Germany, where Scientology is practically illegal. Trust me, NO ONE whose religion is hated by the German government is going to follow you to Deutschland.

Run. Run as fast as you can Katie Holmes, and don’t look back. This shouldn’t even be that tough of a decision. You left the Goddamn Dark Knight series, I think you can leave home. I just really don’t want to one day hear that Katie Holmes was captured and frozen in carbonite and then look out my window and see Suri Cruise leading an army of Scientologists riding hover chariots and wielding lightning guns that they stole from the Army. No, fuck that. Get yourself and your daughter as far away from L.A. and/or Clearwater, Florida as you can. I don’t need to live in a future in which someone electroshocks my b-hole until I’ve re-centered at an appropriate thetan level.

Rob Fox

Rob Fox (né Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Rob is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email:

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