VT- Several local fraternities have been implicated recently in the local deforestation of nearby Green Mountain National Forest, due to an apparently illegal inter-fraternity rivalry competing for the largest Christmas tree on campus. The holiday heist has resulted in the removal of nearly twenty of the tallest trees in the park, several of which were over 100 years old. Local environmentalists are up in arms over the fiasco, calling for the suspension of the fraternities involved.
“Those trees weren’t just trees, man, they were my family. They had souls and personalities. They shared the forest that we all hold onto from our dear Mother Earth, and they were ripped out of the ground by these corporate drones perpetuating the mindless march of unsustainable society for some false-religion tradition, man,” said local activist Blake Windsong.
The rivalry allegedly started between two of the largest organizations on campus, the local chapters of Beta Delta and Rho Omega Psi. Notoriously competitive, the brothers of Beta Delta initially acquired a large Balsam Fir on Saturday, showcasing the tree at their post-Thanksgiving Lumberjack Bros and Leftover Hoes themed party. When reached for question, they declined to comment on what exactly constitutes a “Leftover Hoe,” saying only that “they should probably be thrown out after more than two or three days.”
After learning of the formidable fir at the Beta Delta house, other chapters across campus soon became eager to top the behemoth Balsam. Unable to locate a larger tree for sale at any of the approved parks, the brothers of Rho Omega Psi took to Green Mountain with chainsaws and beers to harvest a taller tree of their own to display at an approved party later in the week. Soon, other fraternities learned of the large grove at Green Mountain and were staging late-night runs to get their own firs, using multiple large SUVs and a boat trailer to transport the logs back to campus.
Rho Omega Psi chapter president Tad Williams claimed his brothers were unaware that the trees had special protections.
“We just wanted a tall tree to adequately showcase our passion for the Christmas season. We felt that as top house, it was important that we also have the top tree. Beta Delta made several inappropriate references to our initial tree and male genitalia, and they should be ashamed of themselves. I would like it stated for the record that our chapter believes strongly in trimming all superfluously exposed foliage and that we support all lengths and shapes of shaf— I mean, trunks,” Williams said.
Several of the trees belonged to threatened species, and their harvest is a major conservation concern for park administrators. In addition to their old age and large stature, the old grove was a regular meeting place for the now-controversial group, People for the Understanding of Sustainable Yoga (PUSY), a group pushing for environmental activism through mindful stretching.
The involved fraternities have agreed to revisit the park in the coming spring to participate in a replanting effort to replace the harvested trees, and to sell the firs following the Christmas holiday in order to donate the profits to charity. Charges have not been filed, as Beta Delta chapter president has close family ties with logging baron Hampton Affiliates, who have since purchased the park lands.
The fraternities involved have encouraged all students to come view their decorated trees over the coming weeks via late night text invitation only..
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