Ask America: Poll Shows Which States Are Drunkest, Dumbest, Best Looking

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

Thanks to the folks over at Business Insider working in tandem with Survey Monkey, a poll was recently conducted to find out Americans’ sentiment regarding which state is the drunkest, the least favorite, the best looking, and the dumbest among other questions that are obviously increasingly pertinent to our society.

The answers came from a sample of 1,603 United States citizens. They are quite hilarious, and in my opinion, pretty spot on. For the record, those polled were unable to answer their state of residence to avoid bias. Unfortunately for the TFM headquarters, Texas leads the charge in some of the less desirable traits, all of which you can see in the original poll results here.

Naturally, I’ve got to lead off the most important question of the entire poll: “Which state is the drunkest?” Well, despite all your contentions that will inevitably appear in the comments section, 174 of 1,568 people said Louisiana, landing The Pelican State in the top spot.


If you’ve ever experienced being drunk on Bourbon Street at 9:30am on a Tuesday, I hope you’re likely to agree here. If not, well then you need to.

Moving on… “Which state is the dumbest?” Well that’s funny, because it’s the one that’s correct spelling is hammered into our heads since the first grade (at least where I grew up, maybe not there though.) That’s right, it’s M-I-SS-I-SS-I-PP-I. Sixteen percent of those polled feel Mississippi is the least intelligent state in the union, followed closely by its border sharing sister, Alabama.


At least you guys have football, right? Because nothing else matters if you have a winning team and a shit ton of moonshine….

Coincidentally, Alabama led the charge for the ugliest residents (113 of 1,442 votes), followed closely behind by Mississippi.


I know that little twitter minx Crimson Barbie will refute this to the day she dies, though.

Conversely, it was unanimous (51% of respondents) that California has the hottest population. Having lived there for some time, and knowing it was Marisa Miller’s place of birth, I can’t say I could conceivably argue.


Pretty sure Florida only received votes because of those princesses that live in Orlando. The Cinderella I met during my last stay at the Grand Floridian could totally get it.

So, if you could kick any state out of the union, who would it be? Why not just pick the one that claims they want to secede every few months? Over 21% of Americans agree: Texas, you’re fuckin’ out!


No need to worry about California since they’re only one major earthquake away from falling off the coast. We’ve just got to make sure we’re there when it happens, so we can save all the hot people.

To conclude: my favorite question of the poll: “Which state has the best sports fans?”


New York? Are you fucking kidding me? I’d rather hang out with a stadium full of Miami Heat fans for an evening than share a split second cross-subway exchange with a Yankee supporter. He’d be catching the subway out of the Bronx because he showed up to watch ARod’s first at bat, watched him K, then left to go get cheesecake. I cannot stand New York fans, unless they root for the Mets, because then it’s laughable.

And neither can the rest of the nation, because funny enough, they also voted New York the state with the WORST sports fans.


At least some people are sensible.

Also, it goes without saying, but I’m damn proud of Pennsylvania’s runner up medal here. Yeah, we threw snowballs at Santa Claus, but he deserved it. Yeah, we booed Sarah Palin off the ice at a Flyers game, but she deserved it. Yeah, we booed Donovan McNabb the day he was drafted, because we deserved Ricky Williams. And as far as the 17-year-old kid who made national headlines when he was tased running on the field during a Phillies game after getting his Dad’s permission… Well, we he deserved it when we cheered for him, because his exploits were fucking awesome.

Agree or disagree with any of the poll results? Sound off in the comments.

[via Business Insider]


Ashley Schaeffer is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move. If you thought he was a woman, he'll take that as a compliment, because he loves women. Wooh. He's proud to hold two degrees from Penn State, and certainly contributed to the university's reputable rankings in the party school category during his time there. He's even more proud to anchor the TFM News team. Feel free to hit up his pager or drop an email ( with any warranted leads, or just to shoot the breeze about Philly sports. In the meantime, drop by his dealership for great deals on gently used BMW's.

More From Ashley Schaeffer BMW »



You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

  1. 54

    South Dakota literally never changed from the color white. Which is a very solid representation of both its residence skin color and how boring the state can be.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
  2. 16
    toss me a bronson

    I don’t know how New Jersey didn’t win in a landslide for state you want to see get kicked out of the union. We should sell them to China and erase the national deficit.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
  3. 10

    Glad to see other people agree with me about Alabama. Ever since I moved down here last November every single woman I’ve met is either fat or has kids. Roll tide!

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
  4. 8

    Only the right side of Pennsylvania should be considered the worst fans, because of Philly fans. Pittsburgh teams have strong fan bases not only in-state, but nationwide as well.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
    • -8

      Pittsburgh fans are very loyal & tend to be good sports, but they can be annoying because they never shut up about their teams. Still, I would take that any day over how terrible Philly fans are. City of Brotherly Love my ass.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
  5. 6

    Worst fucking poll iv ever seen. And the only reason Texas was ranked highest for state you’d like to see kicked out of the union because Texans want to kick themselves out of the union. It’s the only fucking state I know that would rather be their own country then be in America

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
    • 9

      Maybe we wouldn’t want to if the government would get its shit together. Watching them perform even the simplest tasks is like watching a monkey try to fuck a football. Besides, most other states have no idea exactly how important we are to the economic stability of the country. They’d feel like pretty big dickweeds once they say the hit that comes from us being gone.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago

Load More