I don’t consider myself a southerner by any means. For one, my family fought for the North, because we’re winners. My grandfather’s grandfather was wounded at Gettysburg. He had his thumb shot off, which haunted him for the rest of his life, because after the war, whenever he heard a southerner say, “The South will rise again,” he was unable to shoot the guy a sarcastic double thumbs up, as if to say, “Yeah, cool, sure thing bud.” Most of that is true.
Despite that, I do have a few things in common with many residents of the southeastern United States. I root for an SEC school (though that’s a recent development), I root for the Atlanta Braves, I enjoy drinking excessive amounts of beer, and I love me some Waffle House. In a perfect storm of southern goodness, as if brought down from an Appalachian mountaintop by some hillbilly god, three of those things have combined to create something that is uniquely southern, truly glorious, and undeniably pure. The Atlanta Braves have opened a Waffle House stand in Turner Field.
As anyone who has ever ordered steak and eggs and grits and waffles and bacon all in one sitting at 4am while blacked out can tell you, Waffle House is amazing drunk food, right up there with Whataburger and Gumby’s Pizza. And, as any true American knows, few things are more enjoyable than getting plastered at the ballpark, and a Braves game is about as enjoyable an experience as any. Even with my extreme lack of objectivity aside, most people would have a hard time arguing that Turner Field isn’t an excellent ballpark, and the Braves usually field a team worth watching. Plus, take some time to watch a Braves game and wait for the crowd shots, Turner Field is a top five stadium in the “sexually attractive female fans” department. Braves girls are gorgeous. All of that is to say that Turner Field is a fun place to drink, and with the addition of Waffle House, it’s even better.
Think about it, after the stadium cuts off alcohol sales in the 7th inning, and you finish the last of the three beers you ordered during last call around the end of the 8th, you just run over to the Waffle House stand, order an obscene amount of breakfast food, then feast like a king as Craig Kimbrel closes out the game with his blistering fastball and knee buckling curve. Tell me you don’t want to drunkenly eat Waffle House while watching this:
Yeah, I want to do that every single day of my life.