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Avoid The Girl Wearing The 21st Birthday Sign

Chances are at some point you’ve been to the bar and seen a shithoused girl drooling on herself and wearing a sign around her neck. This sign was probably adorned with arbitrary tasks and shaped like something either related to her interests or her best physical attribute. It was made by her “BFFs” in order to celebrate her 21st birthday. For the birthday girl, this sign is a testament to the fact that she has the best sisters in the entire world, because…you know, they know she likes Vera Bradley, David Yurman, and ponies. Who else could have guessed that? However, for everyone not running with her crew of drunken cohorts, this sign is one of the biggest red flags in the collegiate universe.

This sign is going to fuck your night up if you go anywhere near it, or the person wearing it. The sign indicates that it is somebody’s special night, and that somebody is not you. An inflated and unjustified sense of self worth is a dangerous thing to be floating around in a bar. Just look at the Ed Hardy wearing fucks who think sporting a bedazzled shirt makes them look like they have money. Now imagine putting that same sort of attitude into a girl who is going to be a bottle of Burnett’s deep before she reaches the bar. To her that sign screams, “I’m IMPORTANT and everyone in the room better FUCKING know it.” To you it should be a fair warning that the bar is going to get a lot shittier, and fast. You’ll be able to hear her coming because she will be screaming “IT’s MAAA BIRFDAY” and “I’M SOOOOO DRUNK” like a broken record the entire way through the line up to the bar. This should be your queue to bail. If you fuck up and end up in her sights, watch out. Shit’s going to get weird.

There you are, minding your own business, trying to slowly murder your liver with another glass of JW, when someone comes up from behind you and covers your eyes. Next you feel a hand vice-grip your balls, a kiss on the cheek, a slap on the ass, and what sounds like the noise a girl makes when she tries to down a glass of scotch halfway through the night on her 21st birthday. By the time you realize what’s going on the girl wearing a 21st birthday sign is spitting your scotch onto the floor. Imagine that. She requests that you buy her another drink AND write down your phone number on her stupid fucking sign. She doesn’t give a fuck about you or your scotch. Every act of alcoholic disrespect and sexual assault she just committed is based completely on the fact that her stupid fucking birthday sign told her to do it. The 21 acts written on this sign were thought up by, once again, her “besties,” because, you know, “that shit cray.” That’s the difference between the humor of guys and girls. Where we like vulgarity, dry-wit and belittling each other when we are drunk, they prefer to do things that are borderline retarded just so they can use the phrase “this is so not real life.” I’ve seen acts that include anything from simulating sex on bars to making out with randos. Sometimes the randos are homeless men. Haha YOLO, right? Yep. You only live once. And it will be with AIDS, but I digress.

Now that you have fallen victim to receiving a one-handed vasectomy and had your scotch spit out all over the floor, you are still entitled to buy this lunatic a drink and write down your phone number. You’d rather not? Enjoy being called an asshole for the rest of the night. That’s how this fucked up game of “I’m 21 and therefore the most important person in the world” works. Where you would normally buy a girl a drink because you’re an upstanding gentleman, on this joyous matrimony of demanding drinks and slapping asses if you don’t do the deed you’re going to open up a Pandora’s Box of insecurities. Listen here, champ. BUY. THE. DRINK. If you don’t, a list of flaws that you can’t even comprehend is going to start scrolling through her mind. Not once will she consider the fact that she jacked your drink and screamed at you to put your social security number down because her friends thought that was funny.

Does he think I’m ugly?
Does this dress make my shoulders look too wide?
Is my lipstick the wrong color? Does my bracelet make my arm look like a turkey leg?

All of these things will be pondered, which will inevitably lead to crying. There is nothing, and I mean NO THING worse than making a girl cry on her birthday. Good luck with that shitstorm of nonsensical blubbering and repetition.

Lesson of the day: unless you know the girl with the sign around her neck pretty well, you might want to steer clear of her and her party. Sure you could end up doing body shots, or having body shots done off of you, just so she can get some shit checked off of her sign, but it’s more likely that you’re going to end up forking up some dough, getting sexually abused, and possibly losing your identity. But hey, you only live once right? Go for it. I’ll be at another bar.

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jakewgoldman

Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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