Bacon’s Most Annoying GDIs of 2011
Let me quickly say that this list is not an end all, be all list of the year’s most terrible GDIs. Instead this is my personal GDI shit list for the year. Enjoy
I’ll give credit where credit is due. Oh wait, no credit is due, at all. Their music is an audio abortion. If I walked into a room, and in that room there was a giant 102 inch flat screen TV, and on that TV a video of my dad jacking off scored to the discography of LMFAO was playing, my first instinct would still be to hit mute. Their music sounds like someone in the movie “Tron” is raping an electric alley cat. Seriously try and tell me this doesn’t sound like someone is raping a virtual reality cat.
Aside from their music sucking ass, both members of LMFAO also seem like pretty terrible human beings. They look like two people who were just severely electrocuted at the tail end of a 72 hour meth binge. They dress like they’re gay gigolos from the movie “Blade Runner.” I guarantee you they pay about $500 for every piece of their eclectic, thrift store wardrobe despite the fact that gypsies probably stripped those very same clothes off the dead body of a male stripper only days earlier. In fact knowing that their clothes came from the dead body of a male stripper is probably WHY they would pay so much. That’s definition of Party Rock right there.
“Party rock” is of course what they call their music. I hate to break to LMFAO but they didn’t invent their own genre of music. No, sadly for them, unlistenable electro garbage has been around ever since the synthesizer made its way to Germany in the early 80’s.
So fuck you Redfoo and SkyBlu, your stage alter egos sound like potential Jedi names George Lucas rejected for being “too gay.” Stop making music. Well, you already don’t make music, but stop making those ear fucking dance anthems.
Zak Bagans (“Ghost Adventures,” The Travel Channel)
The show “Ghost Adventures” would be more appropriately titled “Guidos Shouting at Nothing in the Dark.” If you’ve never seen this show, here’s an example:
As you can tell the show is essentially three guidos standing around in haunted houses having the following exchange over and over again.
Zak Bagans: Ghost! We want to see you ghost! Do you think that we’re afraid of you? Just because you’re the ghost of a crazy murderer? Well we’re not!
Zak Bagans: OH MY GOD!!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT BRO! BROS WHAT WAS THAT!?!?! WHICH ONE OF YOU BROS HEARD THAT!!!
Bro 1: I heard it bro! What was that!?!
Zak Bagans: IT WAS A GHOST BRO! DID YOU HEAR THAT GHOST!?! OH MAN IT’S PISSED NOW!!! SHOULD I YELL AT IT MORE???
Bro 2: I don’t know bro. It’s getting pretty crazy in here.
Zak Bagans: OH MY GOD FEEL HOW COLD IT IS NOW!!!! DO YOU FEEL THAT!! WAIT, WHAT TEMPERATURE WAS IT OUTSIDE?? IS IT JACKET WEATHER? WERE WE WEARING JACKETS WHEN WE CAME HERE? IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLD!?!
Bro 1: I don’t know bro I can’t remember!! I’m freakin’ out! Let’s get out of here.
Zak Bagans: I THINK THE GHOST IS TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING! IT’S DOESN’T WANT US HERE!! WHY DON’T YOU WANT US HERE? IS IT BECAUSE WE’RE STANDING AROUND SCREAMING IN YOUR HOUSE??
Where to start with Zak Bagans? For one, he’s an epic guido, as previously stated. Two, his preferred attire is some combination of skin tight shirts, Affliction, and black. Three, he might be functionally retarded. I have no way to prove this but judging by the way he reads out loud it probably takes him a full 10 hours to record twenty minutes’ worth of voiceovers. I’m not surprised ghosts are always throwing shit at him and knocking stuff over to scare this geed. How would you like it if you were a restless spirit bound to Earth for eternity and one day some guido showed up at your doorstep and started, well, acting like a guido.
Occupy (Insert Location) Protesters
These people are probably the most obvious choice for 2011’s annoying GDIs. They were loud, filthy, and basically served no purpose. I GET their cause. I also respect the right to peaceably assemble. But there comes a time when assembly becomes loitering, and loitering becomes homelessness. The Occupy protesters gleefully made each transition without an ounce of shame. This “Team America” clip pretty much perfectly sums up the voice of the Occupy protesters.
This might be overdone, but GET.A.FUCKING.JOB. It might not be the job you want right now, but damn, you’re not going to get everything you want all the time. How can someone be patient enough to spend 40 days shitting in public parks and living in a tent with eight other unwashed ex-baristas but not patient enough to work their way up to the job they want? Oh, right, because one of those things involves effort. You made no valid point, and changed nothing. The only reason you got so much coverage in the first place is because cable news outlets are the crack addicts of the journalism world. They are so desperate to fill time that they will literally suck a dick for a story.
The Bin Laden “Debbie Downers”
The day President Obama announced that Seal Team Six had taken out Osama Bin Laden was, to put it lightly, fucking awesome. People took the streets drinking, just about every college town in America went apeshit. But for every 800 posts on Facebook and Twitter about the greatness of America there were a couple that said something along the lines of this:
“Sorry if you don’t see me celebrating another human being’s death.”
Yeah, uh, blow me. Are you fucking kidding me? Arguably the most dangerous man in the world, a man responsible for taking thousands of innocent lives, a man who supports oppression has just been vanquished and you’re feeling preachy? I’ve always been of the opinion that making light of one’s piety, humbleness, maturity, etc sort of defeats the purpose. A status update or tweet like that is self serving, not righteous. Thank you for jacking off your own morals, no one cares. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to get back to jacking off America, damnit!
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