Bad Advice from Roger Dorn

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You ask me questions via Twitter using the hashtag #BadAdviceDorn, and I deliver. Free of charge. You can’t find bad advice like this anywhere on the internet.

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@BaconGovan: my girlfriend finally wants to have sex with me what position should I go for?

Missionary, obviously. Be a gentleman, you scumbag.

@Christopoopers: I have erectile Dysfunction, is there a way to make it a turn on for women?

Just gotta own it, man. I subscribe to the theory of “all out on the table” upon meeting new people. Within the first two minutes of talking to a young lady for the first time, I’ve already spilled my guts to her. All my deepest, darkest secrets and shit. “Hey there. Name’s Christo Poopers. I’m not able to achieve erections, but I’ll dry hump you until the cows come home.” Is it aggressive? Yeah, it is. Does it work? Yeah, it does. Every single time.

@PuppyTFM: I have this friend who is convinced women love his enchanted pube forest. How can I convince him otherwise?

People still shave/trim down there? Looooooool. Amateur hour.

@GrizzTFM: We just killed a pledge. Should I stage a car explosion as the cover up? What would you do @RogerJDorn?

That’s a tough one. Car explosions can get a little dicey. Too big of a production. Too many potential loose lips. One time we had this pledge that was dying/near death from dehydration and alcohol poisoning (he didn’t die, unfortunately), and we had plans to stash his corpse up in the rafters in the basketball arena. We had this engineering major in our fraternity that was confident in his ability to get him up there so he’d stay. Weird guy.

@IamShibby23: I’m new to Austin. Should I become a DJ, actor, or continue being an insurance adjuster?

Judging by your Twitter avatar, you were born to spin records. Ladies love DJs.

@BasedSratter: how do I become less of a geed?

Drop out of school.

@BasedSratter: I keep getting called “thirsty” on twitter? Is this a bad thing? If so how do I stop being “thirsty?”

I have no idea, but you literally just #PicSlip raped my Twitter timeline like my Twitter timeline has never been raped before. What’s the matter with you?

@thekidludi: how do I get a hug from @RogerJDorn if he isn’t the hugging type

You’re addressing me directly. Why are you using my handle? Psycho.

@TheReelMcCoyTX: is it socially acceptable for you to rub your sack on a slams counter top?

If it’s your slam, then yeah. Obviously. What a stupid question.

@ThatNickaNick: Will you pick my classes for next semester?

I absolutely will. Just drop your login info in my DM. I’ll set you up nicely. Fridays off and no early mornings. I promise.

@Turkey_TFM: Gobble gobble gob, gobble gobble gobble?

Quit filling up my interactions feed with your gobbling nonsense, you little turkey shit. Head on a swivel, you fat, feathered fuck. Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

@notageedtfm: Dorn how do I get all the tfm trolls on twitter to stop posting my exes nudes?

Ask them politely to stop. If I know one thing about internet trolls, specifically the TFM ones, it’s that if you charm their pants off, they will be putty in your hands.

‏@Kentucky_Srat: How does one get in your pants?

I answered this last week. I just wanted to include this question this week because I like when girls talk about my pants, and being inside them.

@QuineTime: Hey Rodge, I’ve seen you claim you can bench press cars and what not. How can I achieve such feats of strength?

Yeah, it’s true. I can bench press a Volkswagen Beetle. It’s really not all that hard for me to do, either. I achieved my mass the natural way — no supps. Your genetic makeup is greatly inferior to mine, however. Hit the Vitamin S, and hit it HARD. I’m talking about steroids, of course. Take lots and lots of steroids. And lift. The side effects really aren’t as bad as people say. All that chatter is just a scare tactic (I assume. Like I mentioned, I’ve never taken them.)

@wtjatho: my fiancé and I are planning our wedding. When do you think is a good time to get married?

Opening weekend of football season, 2014, unless your team has an away game. If that’s the case, wait until your team plays at home. Have your wedding on that Saturday. Nothing’s better than the collision of wedding season and football season. It makes guys AND girls excited to be there. Everybody wins. Imagine how much fun your boys will have while checking the score on their phones while your wife-to-be is waddling down the aisle. Go with a cash bar, too. Save a buck.

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