Bad Advice from Roger Dorn

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You ask me questions via Twitter using the hashtag #BadAdviceDorn, and I deliver. Free of charge. You can’t find bad advice like this anywhere on the internet.

Note: Shit got weird this week.

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@benn_diagram: should I bother studying for my finals this week?

Lol no. There’s always next semester.

@PostGradSrat7: do you think it looks hot when tall girls wear heels/wedges? Or is it not attractive?

Are we talking tall like you’re 5’7″ to 5’8″, where high heels will make you a 6-footer and taller than 80% of guys? Or are we talking tall like wearing heels will make you tower over 99% of dudes and make you look like a freak of nature that terrifies guys and makes everyone scared of you/hate you? Because if it’s the latter, yeah, wear them.

@AllAmericanBill: hey dorn, dept Xmas party comin up. What should I wear?

111

They’ll never see it coming.

@dixiefrat: Is it acceptable to send dick pics to professors in hopes they will be impressed by your endowment and pass you?

It’s risky to fire off a dick pic to an unprepared recipient without knowing how it will be received. That move could seriously backfire on you. All you have to do is ask them if they’re cool with it first. If they are, you’re fucking in. Something like “Yo prof, if I sent you a photo of my meat and you were impressed by its size, would that help me pass your class?” should work. Get to the point and leave zero room for misinterpretation.

@Wyatt_Riot10: what are some daily struggles you have now after your sex change operation?

This is an advice column, dickbag. If I start a series called “Send me stupid questions that you think are funny but are really just lame and senseless and the truth is no one likes me,” with hashtag #NoOneLikesMe, then you can send this one again and I’ll try to answer it.

@PuppyTFM: This girl wants me to dress up in a puppy suit and fuck her. She has a “thing” for my twitter. What should I do?

Do it, then bill her for the puppy costume rental. Her idea. She’s coming out of pocket.

@BetYouWontAtMe: Are shower selfies phrat?

Absolutely, but not as phrat as bubble bath selfies. Get in there, turn out the lights, light a few candles, then situate the bubbles in seductive places on your naked body before snapping the pics. Have a ball in there, man.

@Southern_Drunkk: is this how you frat?

attached photo:

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longboard? ✓
slickback? ✓
lifts? ✓
tank top tucked into Chubbies? ✓
cruising through the ‘burbs scouting for trim? ✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓

Uh yeah, idiot, I’m pretty sure that’s how you frat.

@DrunkGentKoala: what are some good hazing techniques to use on my 11 year old brother to get him ready for high school fraternities.

Make fun of him relentlessly until he looks exactly like that kid in the photo ^up there. That’s when he’ll be ready.

@MarissorTFM: why can’t my hair be as pretty as yours?

You’re genetically inferior to me. It’s called being dealt a shitty hand.

@JohnRedcornTFM: Moving into a new place this weekend. What’s the best way to assert dominance of our cul-de-sac?

Do the same thing I did after moving into our new office several weeks ago. Leave a note on all your neighbors’ doors informing them that you’ll be waiting in the middle of the cul-de-sac at a certain time, and you’ll be ready to fight anyone who shows up. I did that with all our office neighbors and no one showed up. Boom. Dominance asserted. In all fairness, however, many of them have seen me throwing weights around our fitness center like Tonka toys, so it’s no surprise I didn’t have any suitors.

@Danurban10: what should I get my parents for Christmas

A grandchild.

@GoodGuyParedes: How do I become more snapchat famous?

Admittedly, I’m not too keen on the ins and outs of the Snap game. Not a big Snapper. I do know, however, that when I open a snap from a user I don’t recognize, it’s a coin flip whether a scrotum or some feces is waiting for me on the other side. Shit’s nasty, but the kids seem to have fun with it. Give it a try.

@TXSrattitude: what’s the best way to tell your significant other that you’re reclaiming your virginity?

Just break up with him. Seriously, end it. Drop out of school, too. You’re a monster.

@lanaception: what do I do if I peed in a dudes butt and accidentally gave him herpes?

And that’s all the time we have this week. Tune in next week, same time, same place.

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