Bad Advice from Roger Dorn

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You ask me questions via Twitter using the hashtag #BadAdviceDorn, and I deliver. Free of charge. You can’t find bad advice like this anywhere on the internet.

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@L0rd_Farquad: Should I spring rush?

No, and you shouldn’t rush in the fall either.

@DaddysHome1856: When is it ok to be an internet gent?

There is literally never a time when being a true e-gent is not okay. Never. Everybody loves a #gent as long as he stays true to his #gent game. Think about it. What’s better than scrolling through your timeline on Twitter during a time when you’re feeling a little down, only to come across some headless, nameless hero in a bow tie giving out free advice about how to be chivalrous? You know those Twitter #gents would get laid so much if they weren’t so gentlemanly about random hookups, and of course, if anyone knew who they were or what they looked like. You get out there and you #gent the fuck out of the internet.

‏@RagingPhratHard: how do I get a girl to somf? I’m really struggling. I just need to feed my soul with the box of the white women.

Honesty is almost always the best policy. It applies here, as well. Have you tried walking up to a pretty white woman and simply stating, “I just need to feed my soul with the box of the white women. Will you SOMF?” She might not respond favorably, but it’s a numbers game. Keep at it. Even if you swing and miss 99 times out of 100, one of them will be sitting on your face.

‏@PuppyTFM: Should I keep telling people to kill theirselves?

It’s all fun and games until someone actually offs themselves. I’d like to say just ride her ’til she bucks you, but unfortunately, the “bucks you” part means actual suicide. You don’t want that e-blood on your e-hands, PuppyTFM. Maybe switch it up and start #genting these people blind. They’ll never see it coming.

@WildFratTFM: should I be concerned about this event called the “elephant walk” hosted by a gym teacher my high school frat is having?

No one, and I mean no one, can have a bad time during a nice elephant walk session, as long as it’s done right, of course. Don’t be concerned. Be excited. Your high school frat is clearly top tier.

@southerntryhard: hey Dorn. When you send dick pics do you do just the snake or do you throw in the ice cubes as well?

Excellent question. I’m pretty confident in saying every dick pic-er across this great nation has pondered that very question. If there’s one thing a girl wants to see more than anything, it’s your set of hanging, hairy, hideous testiculars. I recommend framing each dick pic so that it not only shows your giblets, but features them. Your penis is secondary. Believe that. Balls first, that’s what I always say. Don’t be afraid to sneak in a grundle shot, too. Grundles are underrated turn-ons.

@ManOfFrat: I’ve got this friend, let’s call him Rob Fox. He has a sister I just impregnated. How should I tell him?

That’s so weird, man. I work with a guy named Rob Fox. I wonder if it’s the same dude. And yeah, you should definitely tell him. I’m sure he’d love to be an uncle right now. Here, check to see if it’s the same Rob Fox then break the news to him on Twitter.

@Christopoopers: How do I politely tell a girl that I want to tame her strange?

See @RagingPhratHard’s question and my answer for him. Just tell her, man. Be upfront. “Tame her strange” is a home run of a term, too. Wear it proudly. If you meet a girl who doesn’t want her strange tamed, she’s not the kind of girl you need in your life.

@notlifter: How do I get a gf

Go against every single natural instinct you have. Being yourself clearly doesn’t work. Try to be the exact opposite of yourself. Then, if it works, if you miraculously land a GF despite your obvious plethora of shortcomings, you have to maintain that fake persona somehow. It’s gonna be a rough ride, I won’t lie, but at least you’ll get laid a few times along the way. Also, @notlifter, keep not lifting. Lifting is for tryhards.

@AHS_LAX_BORK: Where the craziest place you’ve gotten dome

This is an advice column, you stupid idiot.

@DornbromanceTFM: What is a good way to get a job at TFM?

TFM Intern sorts through all of our applicants to screen for bullshit. Rumor has it that shirtless mirror selfies via Twitter get you to the front of the line.

@HannahLee212: what do I have to do to win you over?

I had a crush on this girl in 3rd grade. After months of silence, I finally worked up the courage to tell her about it on the playground one day during recess. I walked outside and scanned the playground for her — the swing set, jungle gym, basketball court. She was nowhere to be found. As I grew more and more anxious to share the news with her, I finally spotted her. She was speed-walking toward me with an angry scowl on her face, and her right hand was behind her back. I was confused at her aggressive approach, but I brushed it off and prepared myself to hit her with the good news, as she was sure to be mine soon. She beat me to the punch, though. At about 10 to 15 feet away, she stopped, looked at me, gritted her teeth, then she crow-hopped and threw a rock at me with all her might. She hit me right in the face and caused a huge gash in my forehead. Blood was everywhere. Turns out some snot-nosed kid in my class told her I was sneaking beav shots when she was sitting across from me in English class. Total lie.

For a reason I can’t make sense of, I fell head-over-heels in love with her that day. So, maybe just throw shit at my face? I don’t know.

@DannyAPalmer: Is it recommended to crush a beer bottle over a dude’s head when he turns down a @GoldenTee challenge at the bar?

Yes, of course.

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