Bert the Broker: Where Are They Now?

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Long ago, Bert Breakfast aka Bert the Broker emerged online to share his life philosophies in relation to the recession, partying with his boys, and picking up waitresses. Some of you are thinking, “Who the fuck is Bert the Broker?” Well, he was the president of Pi Kappa Alpha at his school before graduating and working for Goldman Sachs. He rocks a Bluetooth. He was going to go to the gym, but…8s and 9s? Fuck it. He’ll see you at happy hour.

Shortly after, Bert reemerged to address the icing craze, the oil spill, and dropping down a social level to dominate.

I recently found myself wondering what had become of Bert. Surely he is doing coke off strippers’ faces in The Hamptons, driving a Ferrari, and running around the beach, spanking ass of a questionable age. Right? Wrong. He’s “breaking the barrier” and sucking down girl farts.


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