WTF TFM!? I’m not gonna spend my Halloween watching movies. I’ll be too busy scrubbing white makeup off my wang after banging back-to-back Harley Quinns. Nerds.
Reeelax, try-hard. Maybe on a low-key night the week before Halloween you’ll be in the mood to watch some freaky shit. Or maybe as the party’s winding down and you’re chilling on the couch with Harley, a horror flick will be just what it takes to make her hold you a little tighter. If you find yourself in either of these situations, here are the perfect movies to throw on.
“Redrum” scrawled in blood on the walls. Two ghost-zombie little girls standing at the end of the hall, beseeching you to “come play with us… forever.” Jack Nicholson smashing a door with an axe, sticking his face through the hole, and shouting through a toothy grin, “HEEERE COMES JOHNNY!” This movie is chock-full of classic, freaky moments.
The Blair Witch Project
Nowadays, countless movies debut every year that emulate the home video feel. The Blair Witch Project started the found-footage revolution. It’s like watching a bunch of hipsters Snapchat themselves while they try to find a witch in the forest. That sounds like it would be terrible, but watching them get picked off one-by-one is incredibly satisfying.
Say what you will about Saw, but you’ve got to admit that it’s got some bat-shit crazy twists. When that dead body stood the fuck up in the first movie? Nobody saw that coming. It’s also got the most brutal, twisted death scenes that have ever been created. There’s a scene where a guy has a key surgically inserted behind his eye, and is then given a minute to claw it out and unlock the giant venus fly trap stuck to his head before it smashes his skull. Spoiler but not really because you know it’s coming: He doesn’t. The people who wrote this shit are mental.
The Human Centipede
Speaking of psychotic writers, whoever dreamt up this one probably talks to himself in the power tools department of Home Depot. The Human Centipede is exactly what it says it is – and I find that kind of honesty refreshing. It’s just a mad scientist sewing a line of people together ass-to-mouth, then feeding them food and taking them for walks. No more, no less. You’ll feel awful after watching it, but for whatever reason, your girl will be begging to eat your ass.
Paranormal Activity (Just The First One)
Recording the vast majority of a movie on a stationary surveillance camera is a bold move, and it pays off in Paranormal Activity. The technique makes for some eerie moments, like when the busty chick stands over her husband and then the camera just starts fast-forwarding through the hours without her budging an inch. Real weird.
Evil Dead (1980)
Intentionally corny and hilarious, but still full of awesome, gory thrills and genuine scares. Watching the main character saw through hordes of undead with his chainsaw arm, then look at the camera, raise an eyebrow and say a cheesy one-liner is a great time..