Beyond Stupid Husband Calls 911 To Report His Wife Stole His Cocaine Stash

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I imagine the worst possible thing that can happen to a drug dealer — aside from becoming addicted to whatever it is he’s pushing and cutting into the profit line — has to be getting flat-out robbed. Just having your stash taken from right under your nose, sometimes in a literal sense.

There’s just nothing you can do about it. You can’t call the police to tell them someone did something illegal in stealing your product, because what you were doing was already illegal. And unless you have a ton of cronies ready to roll in the name of reclaiming the stolen goods, or busting a few caps in the name of vindication, you’re pretty much shit out of luck. It’s the total “Catch-22” of the drug game.

Unless, that is, you’re actually moronic enough to decide to call the cops and report your wife just stole your cocaine stash, as was the unfortunately stupid fate for an Alliance, Ohio, man.

Police say a northeast Ohio man called 911 to report that his wife stole his cocaine and was then arrested himself.

The Review newspaper in Alliance reports officers responding to the Wednesday night call discovered the man had a marijuana pipe and was wanted on a warrant for failing to pay hundreds of dollars in costs in an earlier court case.

The man, 39-year-old Robert D. Collins of Alliance, was charged with two misdemeanor counts alleging improper use of the 911 system and possession of drug paraphernalia. Alliance Municipal Court records online didn’t list an attorney for him Friday.

Sucks to suck, man. For the life of me, I just can’t understand how some people are so unintelligent.

Like, what did you think was going to happen when you phoned the po-po to notify them your wife hijacked your cocaine? Were you cognizant of the fact that you just reported yourself for being in possession of a highly illegal narcotic? Robert D. Collins sounds like he’s so stupid that he probably welcomed getting locked up in jail, too.

Even worse for Collins:

The Repository in nearby Canton reports Collins’ jail records didn’t indicate whether police located the reportedly stolen cocaine or his wife.

His complaint wasn’t even resolved! My intuition’s telling me his wife likely left him (not) high and dry, and she’s probably on the run with a guy named something like Gerald and sleeping in the bed of his 1984 Ford F-150 in between banging rails.

You probably should’ve thought this one through, Robert.

[via Huffington Post]

Image via YouTube

Ashley Schaeffer is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move. If you thought he was a woman, he'll take that as a compliment, because he loves women. Wooh. He's proud to hold two degrees from Penn State, and certainly contributed to the university's reputable rankings in the party school category during his time there. He's even more proud to anchor the TFM News team. Feel free to hit up his pager or drop an email (SchaefferTFM@gmail.com) with any warranted leads, or just to shoot the breeze about Philly sports. In the meantime, drop by his dealership for great deals on gently used BMW's.

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