Bible Verses for the Modern World

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Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want higher taxes.

John 3:16 For Urban so loved the world that he gave his one and only Tebow; that whoever believes in Tim shall not be pissed at ESPN’s lovefest, but have eternal fantasy football championships.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for my semi-automatic rifle doth be spraying lead into all them.

John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth is that two 5’s never make a 10.

Matthew 24:34-35 Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass till all these things be fulfilled: Wednesday and Thursday shall pass away, but we, we, we so excited for Friday.

Isaiah 50:10 Who is among you that fears the SABAN, he who obeys the voice of the serpent, who walks in darkness and has no soul?

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Not fish that magically transformed into monkeys. Life isn’t a Harry Potter novel, you idiots.

Proverbs 30:5 Every word of the Star Spangled Banner is pure: he shalt not shield his receding hairline with a baseball cap as it is played.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of the last four years are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in November. Vote R’Money.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, except February glory for the Detroit Lions.

John 14:6 I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to me through government-funded health care.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but wages on the SEC winning the National Championship can be quite bountiful.

John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was that it is too soon to be making dead Egyptian baby jokes.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for Thou will be with you when you clothesline GDI’s off of their bikes on the way to class.

Isaiah 43:18 Houston, forget the former things; do not dwell on Francisco Cordero’s blown saves of the past.

Revelation 1:8 I am the Alpha and the Omega, and all you pledges better say the word “Sir” after stating My letters.

2 Corinthians 5:7 Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home for the summer, we are absent from an Occupy Wall Street protest.

Psalm 118:8 It is better to trust in the Risk Manager than to put confidence in John Jameson.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call unto me, and I will answer thee, so here’s my number, so call me maybe.

 

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  1. 1
    FratPelican

    In the South, some of the worst behaved fraternity men I know still make it to church or mass. Pledges in most fraternities are required to attend mass. I wouldn’t expect someone from Michigan to know about anything like this, though. This is honestly written in poor taste. NF.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      RAW DOG ASSASSIN

      get the fuck out of here. I go to school in South FUCKING Carolina and never have I heard/experienced a pledgeship where you have to go to mass. Suck a dick get off your high horse and noone wants to here about religion on this site. Just don’t bash it.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      FratPelican

      You’re a geed? Fuck you. My activities are not your activites, and therefore not “our” activities. I can laugh about a lot, but mocking the words of Jesus is different. Most of the prominent fraternities were started by Christian men and incorporate biblical principles. As far as I’m concerned no one has shone me sheet as to how I am wrong. A “fuck you” doesn’t prove anything.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      FratProphet93

      That’s perfectly reasonable. You can murder, rape, and steal as long as you believe some arbitrary middle eastern dude born 2000 years ago died so that the parts of you that aren’t connected to your body don’t enter a supernatural realm with lots of fire after you die

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      FratPelican

      Well, maybe I spoke out of place for ALL of the South, and apparently you’re an expert on all things Southern because “South” is in your state’s name. Where I go to school, pledges go to mass. Also, standing up for your principles doesn’t put you on a high horse.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      yourfavgeed

      You can’t laugh about yourself, and how our political beliefs/recreational activities contradict our religious beliefs? Fuck you.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      FratProphet93

      FratPelican, you say that the worst behaved fraternity men attend mass. Does that in any way excuse their behavior? So you’re saying it’s okay to live an egotistical, drunken, womanizing life (all things Jesus would not approve of) just because they’re forced to go to Church hungover and fantasize about these things during a sermon they pay little to no attention to? And you believe this makes them better people then, say, a moral, community serving atheist? It makes no sense that your God would be more concerned with belief than behavior. If he’s all powerful, all knowing, and perfectly good, then he probably isn’t too concerned with earning the praise of a mere mortal such as yourself. Tell me, would Jesus say things like “fuck you” to random people who disagreed with him, as you just did? Your lord Jesus would not approve of your posts here, and most likely, wouldn’t approve of your behavior. Penance doesn’t absolve your sin, nor the sins of any men who live a lifestyle that, as Raw Dog Assassin pointed out, absolutely contradicts your religious beliefs. Especially when that penance is the result of dogma rather than authentic regret. You, sir, are not a Christian, but a Christfan, in the words of Bill Maher

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 1
    SPECOA

    If you didn’t want us to ask for the picture, you shouldn’t have told us it existed. It’s the forbidden fruit of TFM.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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