Bible Verses for the Modern World

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Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want higher taxes.

John 10:10 The thief cometh not in the night, for yea, his stamina rivals that of McCoy’s.

John 3:16 For Urban so loved the world that he gave his one and only Tebow; that whoever believes in Tim shall not be pissed at ESPN’s lovefest, but have eternal fantasy football championships.

Jeremiah 32:27 Behold, nothing is too difficult for Me, so quit complaining about whiskey dick, you effeminate pussy.

Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you. Except the butt pee picture. Seriously, stop asking.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for my semi-automatic rifle doth be spraying lead into all their candy asses.

John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth is that two 5’s never make a 10.

Matthew 24:34-35 Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass till all these things be fulfilled: Wednesday and Thursday shall pass away, but we, we, we so excited for Friday.

Isaiah 50:10 Who is among you that fears the SABAN, he who obeys the voice of the serpent, who walks in darkness and has no soul?

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Not fish that magically transformed into monkeys. Life isn’t a Harry Potter novel, you idiots.

Revelation 19:9 And they overcame the monthly blood of the Cat, and by the word of their testimony, they traveled down the dirt road that shalt not be named.

Proverbs 30:5 Every word of the Star Spangled Banner is pure: he shalt not shield his receding hairline with a baseball cap as it is played.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of the last four years are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in November. Vote R’Money.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, except February glory for the Detroit Lions.

John 14:6 I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to me through government-funded health care.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but wages on the SEC winning the National Championship can be quite bountiful.

Job 27:6 My righteousness I hold fast, and will not let it go until the milk of my loins covers the yearbook picture of Mila Kunis.

John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was that it is too soon to be making dead Egyptian baby jokes.

Habakkuk 3:19 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, this is holy, for yea, it be Too Flaccid To Care.

Psalm 119:9 How can a young man keep his way pure, when Kate Upton’s voluptuous bosoms are so readily viewable online?

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for Thou will be with you when you clothesline GDI’s off of their bikes on the way to class.

Proverbs 28:1 The wicked flee when no geed pursueth the poo dollar, but the righteous are bold and stay until relentless heckling of he with the brown-stained hands hath been completed.

Isaiah 43:1 Fear not: for I have called thee by thy name, and though I will surely forget it in the morning, I will still expect a sandwich to layeth awaiting me before you leave.

Isaiah 43:18 Houston, forget the former things; do not dwell on Francisco Cordero’s blown saves of the past.

Revelation 1:8 I am the Alpha and the Omega, and all you pledge fucks better say the word “Sir” after stating My letters.

2 Corinthians 5:7 Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home for the summer, we are absent from an Occupy Wall Street protest.

Psalm 118:8 It is better to trust in the Risk Manager than to put confidence in John Jameson.

Exodus 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor, nor his ass. I don’t care that its tone is that of McConaughey’s, or that its flatulence radiates like that of a thousand archangels. Knock it off, weirdo.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call unto me, and I will answer thee, so here’s my number, so call me maybe.

Follow me on Twitter @JParksTFM

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